Daring to Ask Why

When we moved to a community 22 miles and approximately 30 minutes away from where my daughters and I go to work and school, one of the things I dreaded most was the drive to and from (and to and from and to and from) those two cities each day.  There are days when, due to scheduling of activities, I have to drive back and forth several times and those days do get tiresome.  However, one pleasant surprise was how much I would value our car time.  It is on those 30 minute drives that I hear the updates on friendships, news from school, and philosophical questions.  I'm pretty sure a lot of world problems have been theoretically if not practically solved within the confines of my Honda Pilot.

Today, one of my daughters shared that she had earned 219 out of 200 points on an assignment.  The guidelines for this assignment and the extra credit involved aren't entirely clear to me, but it sounds like she turned in the assignment on a day that would automatically give her 30 extra credit points.  When she received the grade, she was happy with her score, but wanted to know how she lost those 11 points.  She did not want to argue, but she wanted to know why.  In her words, "I am someone who wants to strive to be better."  In my words, the points didn't matter.  She wanted to know what she got wrong so she could learn from those mistakes and improve in the future.  

In my opinion, that scenario should have been a teacher's dream.  However, it seemed that, in this case, the teacher did not see it the same way that I do.  Now, in fairness, allow me to offer these caveats. 1) I was not there so I do not know exactly how the conversation went.  2) I don't believe my daughter lied, but perception is everything.  3) It is the end of the school year and we are all far from our best selves.  With that in mind, my daughter felt frustration and also, I think, felt misunderstood.  She felt that her teacher was annoyed and/or frustrated with her questions about why she lost those points.  She didn't voice this, but I would also guess that she felt badly for having been a bother.  

And isn't that how it goes when you're a girl...

For better or for worse, this girl is my child and I would argue that it's not all bad that she inherited my DNA.  However, one of the more troublesome aspects of being us...at least troublesome to a few people we encounter...is that we have to know "why."  If you change the rules, I'm cool with that...as long as I know why.  If you ask me to complete a task, I am absolutely your girl...as long as I know why.  If you are proposing a new program, if you want me to support something, if you want me to vote for you...I have to know why.  Finally, if you critique my work or offer feedback, I'm super cool with that too...but, you guessed it, I need to understand why you feel that way.  I'd like to say that I'm always super suave in my approach to asking why, but that would be a lie.  Sometimes, I can be a force.  I am opinionated, usually confident especially when it comes to my work, and always interested in hearing from everyone involved, especially those I see as relatively voiceless.  My kid is just like me in this respect.  We have to know why and we are going to let you know that we want to know why.  

My best "You want to mess with me?" pose

The problem for us is that we are also women living in a patriarchal world.  Girls with opinions are not valued.  Girls who are strong and confident and willing to take a stand are called "bitchy" and "uppity" and "ice queens."   As much as I like to have an opinion, I also like to be liked.  I have often said that whenever I have an interaction with someone, I want them to leave feeling respected and cared for.  Just as my daughter was replaying this interaction with her teacher to process how it felt to be a bother for asking why, I will rewind similar moments over and over in my mind.  I have lost countless hours of sleep worrying that I've offended, hurt, bothered, or inconvenienced someone with my questions or my critique.  Now, that's not all bad. Sometimes I can become more aggressive than assertive and in those cases I probably need to be called on my bullshit and should engage in some self-reflection.  However, I have a friend who happens to be a guy who often shares his opinion in a blunt fashion and I guarantee that he has not lost a wink of sleep over whether or not he's bothered, hurt, or offended someone after having shared his views.

Some of you might read this and think that I'm overblowing things or being sensitive.  I will admit that I have a tendency to do both, but in this case, the sexism is real and has affected how comfortable I feel about sharing my opinions with confidence.  How do I know it is real?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my first witness, Hillary Clinton.  Hillary Clinton can tell you it's real.

This is not a veiled attempt to campaign for Senator Clinton.  I don't really care who you vote for.  Okay, that's a lie.  I do kind of care, but I'm not going to address this on this blog ever.  That's something that should be discussed over coffee and soft lighting to keep things chill.  I will argue, however, that no matter how you feel about Hillary's policies, supporters of her opponents and sometimes even those opponents themselves, engage in sexist attacks on her character.  The worst of which, in my opinion, is when people fling her husband's infidelity into the mix and argue that somehow that is proof that she is untrustworthy.  Comments such as "If I were married to her, I'd cheat too" or arguing that obviously there must be something wrong with her if her husband had affairs really get me angry.  It is these kinds of attacks (I refuse to categorize this as dialogue or debate) that create a culture in which women are afraid to take a stand because their very identity as a woman could be used against them.  

I know this experience.  I live this experience.  I have had someone I love do things they shouldn't and it felt like the whole world knew about it.  In fact, I have had this happen more than once in my life.  Sidebar: Aren't I the luckiest?  I have never had anyone attack me to my face.  I have never had anyone make anything other than veiled comments online or in conversation that implied that somehow those relationships discount the value of my opinions or character.  However, I'm not stupid.  I know it's out there.  And that stinks.  So, every single time I stick my neck out there or dare to voice dissent or "be a bother," I worry.  Not only do I worry that I might hurt someone's feelings or be seen as too opinionated or too strong, but I also worry that this will be used as proof to those who aren't my fans that I deserved the hurt and pain I experienced.  I worry about this because I am female and I live in a world that allows for and encourages this line of thinking.  

As the mother of three daughters who have been raised to ask "why," I feel compelled, once again, to be that bothersome, pesky girl who asks the question.  Why is it that we feel fine with blaming women for the decisions their partners made?  Why is it that when women are strong and confident and have opinions they are seen as cold and power hungry and bitchy? Why is it when men exude the same qualities they are seen as pragmatic and bold and strong leaders?  Why has Hillary Clinton had the most negative press of any candidate in the current election - even more than a guy that has done his darndest to offend everyone other than rich, white men?  Why does my daughter have to "feel bad" for wanting to know why she lost those points?  Why do I have to type these very words with fear and trepidation about how they will be received and what people will say about my character because I have dared to have an opinion? 

We can do better.  For the sake of my daughters and all of the young women growing up among us, we need to do better.