Bringing Grace to School

During my senior year of college, I was doing my usual "end of the semester" camp out in the campus library doing the many things that college students must do at the end of a semester.  I was taking a full course load and had research papers, presentations, finals, and other big 'end of the semester' projects to wrap up and turn in.  After what felt like hours of tedious work, I took a break.  I walked away from my backpack and went to a nearby computer lab to fead e-mail forwards from my friends (there was no Facebook back then, kids).  Perhaps this was a stupid move, but I attended a small, liberal arts college in a very small town and had left my backpack unattended roughly a bajillion times and never had an issue.  But, as "they" always say, "It just takes one time."  To my horror, I returned to the table where my backpack once resided and discovered that it was missing.  

Now, in those days, we did not have "the cloud."  We actually still printed out hard copies of our papers and turned the actual, physical document in to our professors.  There weren't online chat rooms to discuss topics; we actually wrote journals that we turned in at the end of the semester.  My backpack contained all of that as well as the disks (yes!  Disks!!?!?!) that held every single document that was due in the coming week - documents I had spent countless hours researching for, writing, editing, and editing again.  All.  Gone.  To say that I had a meltdown would be fair but not even close to capturing the emotional distress I was in.  

Now, if the legends about college we tell high school students and anyone else who listens are true, then I would have been ignored and laughed at by my professors, failed all of my classes and been kicked out of college and would now be living in a cardboard box living a miserable life.  What actually happened is that I visited with each of my professors and tearfully told them my story.  Together, we negotiated a plan to get through this situation.  I was given extra time, I was excused from some things, I had my presentation date switched to give me more time to prepare, and I was given kind words and lots of encouragement.  Not once did they scold me for being irresponsible and leaving my backpack unattended.  Not one of them gave me a lecture about how in the "real world" I would be left to rot by all those around me.  I was given grace.

This brings me to the actual topic of my blog post.  In the past couple of weeks, a viral photograph has popped up on my Facebook feed many times.  Here is the picture:

I'm not sure if the school wants to take credit for this anymore,
but it was found at Catholic High School for Boys in Oklahoma.

As I said, this picture has popped up numerous times on my feed and always with enthusiastic cheers of approval.  Each time I saw it, I was surprised to see that others felt this was actually a good idea. Some even proposed that the school district in which I work actually post something similar.  

Lord, have mercy. 

I get it.  I really do.  Kids can be irresponsible, forgetful, scatter-brained beings.  That is true.  My own children have forgotten musical instruments, gym shoes, backpacks, and permission slips.  One time, I was chaperoning a field trip and my child actually forgot her special field trip lunch on our counter at home.  I have bailed them out more times than I can count.  I have found lost shoes, retrieved misplaced homework, and delivered forgotten items that were left in my car.  We have had 'the talk' about responsibility.  They have experienced some natural consequences due to being forgetful.  For example, the little girl who forgot the special lunch had to have a school bag lunch instead. Bummer.  

But...  And you knew there had to be a but...

My kids get grace.  They do.  I can't think of a single adult who knows my children who would argue that they are irresponsible, entitled children who expect the world to accommodate them.  They didn't get that way because I threw them out into the world and never bailed them out of sticky situations.  They got that way, in part, because I have a provided a safe place to land.  They know they can call me or text me and I will help them problem solve and sometimes the solution to a problem is that mom helps you out.  Isn't that why kids have parents in the first place?  If they could function as adults *should* why on earth do they even have parents?  

And that leads me to my next point...  I'm so tired of all this talk about the "real world" and how when you're at college or in a job, you won't be able to be late, forget a deadline, need extra time, etc.  What tyrants do you people work for and with and why are you not trying to find another job?  The world is inhabited by humans and I have yet to meet a human who does everything perfectly all of the time.  

I consider myself to be a fairly competent individual who does pretty well in her job.  I'm dedicated, energetic, engaged, and committed to my work.  But...  Sometimes I forget my laptop on my counter or I forget my charging cord.  Sometimes I lose my keys and have to use someone else's fob.  Sometimes I oversleep and dash into school at the very last moment.  Sometimes life happens and I forget, misplace, or omit something.  It happens.  It doesn't happen often, but it happens.  And with each mistake or minor lapse, I have been met with grace.  Colleagues lend me their charging cord, the tech department lets me borrow a laptop, and I'm given sympathy when I am late to a meeting because I've backed my car into my garage door and can't get it out (yes, that happened).  

In the "real world" that I inhabit, people are understanding and forgiving and kind.  Why are we teaching our kids otherwise?  Why are we giving the message that you have to be perfect all.the.time to our students?  Why are we not teaching them about grace and mercy and empathy?  

Now, if I haven't lost you yet, you're probably sputtering and huffing and ready to explode because what about all of those entitled millenials who don't know how to do a darn thing because of their helicopter parents???  Yes, I know, I know.  There are some parents who have not figured out how to walk the fine line of giving kids grace and allowing them to experience consequences.  Heck...I have trouble finding that line myself most of the time.  

Parenting is hard, you guys.  I don't know of a single parent worth his or her salt who doesn't obsess on a daily basis about whether or not they are doing it right.  We all have hopes and dreams for our kids and we all have a secret fear that somehow we are unwittingly preparing them to be be overgrown adolescents who permanently reside in our basement.  

However, when I think about all the huffing and puffing about this or that generation, I get really angry.  The media has created this legend that there are all of these helpless kids out there who are not capable because mommy and daddy won't let them grow up.  We, collectively,  have bought into this, especially in the education world.  I once attended a workshop session on generational differences that relied on trite generalizations and painted my own cuspy group as both cynical and entitled (I'm not quite a Gen-Xer and not quite a millenial).  

Except...that's not who I am at all nor does it capture anyone else I know.  And also, as far as I can tell, every older generation has moaned and bellyached about the failures of its youth and worried about the downfall of mankind.  Once upon a time, the boomers who now control most of our country, were characterized as lazy, hippies who didn't know how to work hard.  Why do we buy into this?  Why do we support these messages of divisiveness and feel compelled to accept broad generalizations as gospel truth?  When has that practice ever actually worked out in the end?

This all brings me back to the poster...and now I'm going to get serious.  I am a school social worker. My actual job is to be a bridge between home, school, and community. When I read this poster I don't feel like a bridge is being built.  That poster is constructed with assumptions, blame, shame, and condescension and those are hardly the best materials for building a bridge.  This poster professes to know something about a parent's relationship with his/her child and their situation before they even get a chance to explain themselves.  It relies on generalizations, stereotypes, and elitism.  Those are fabulous materials with which to build a huge, giant wall.  

Over the course of my career, I have attended countless workshops regarding parent engagement. I have attended meetings in which educators have wondered aloud about how to best encourage more parents to attend, show up, or engage.  I have walked alongside parents who have been fearful about coming to school meetings because they were afraid they'd be judged or scolded or talked down to.  If I'm honest, I will admit that sometimes I have been the judger, the scolder, or the talker downer.  Guess how many times that strategy worked?  Zero.  Nada.  Never. 

Parents who are struggling to set appropriate boundaries can't be bullied into it.  Instead, we as educators need to reach out and invite ourselves to their table as a team member.  Not our table, their table.  They are the parents and we are just guests they invite into their world to help in the process of raising little humans.  To be good guests, we need to do more listening than talking when sitting at that table.  We think we know our students, but maybe we don't really know all there is to know.  We can't know what we don't know unless we listen.

We tell ourselves that if a child forgets all of the things or some of the things that they are irresponsible and must learn that irresponsible people don't get grace.  We tell ourselves that parents who bring in the forgotten things are weak and easy and unable to parent successfully.  Maybe those things are true.  But, probably not and if there is truth, it's accompanied by lots more truth that makes what appears to be a black and white situation so very, very grey.  

Maybe that child has been diagnosed with ADHD and has successfully remembered all of the things for three straight weeks and this is their first mess up.  

Maybe that child was up late because they got sad news about a family member and forgot all the things in the fog of sadness, grief, and lack of sleep.

Maybe that family lost their housing and are couch hopping and some of their things were left at the place they previously stayed in temporarily.

Maybe that child spends time between two household because his/her parents are divorced and the things were left at the other parent's house because it's tricky remembering all those things when you have two homes.

Maybe that child is sad/depressed/grieving/not sleeping and all of the things are just not something they can care about right now.

Maybe that child has endured hardship after hardship after hardship despite his/her parent's best efforts to shield them from pain.  Maybe this was the one thing mom and dad could rescue them from.  

Maybe the power went out and the phones didn't charge and they didn't get up on time and the things were forgotten the frenzy that comes with oversleeping.

Maybe that child is human and just forgot.

This poster does a great job of categorizing a group of people into "others" and it feels really good to cast ourselves in to the role of "not the others."  We can read this and proclaim its wisdom when it's not our kid who needs to be bailed out and we are not the parents being greeted with this sign.  Except that we are all "the others" or could be "the others" at any point.  We just don't know what life will throw at us or what challenges our children will face or present along this parenting journey.  

"There but for the grace of God go I..."  

I'm all for teaching responsibility and accountability and organization.  I'm all for walking alongside parents to help them guide and mold these little humans into competent, independent adults someday. I just refuse to be a part of something that uses shame, judgement, and condescension as its primary tools.  Here's what the sign should say:

Parents, you are welcome here.

That's it.  Just that.  "You are welcome here."  We as educators need to bring compassion and empathy to the table and listen.  The problems? We can figure them out.  But first, lets get those parents in the door and the best way to do so is to throw out a welcome mat rather than an invisible wall of judgement.  

P.S. If my kids forget some of the things next year, I will bail them out if I can because that is what grace looks like sometimes. And if you give me a heaping plate of shame at the door, I will not take one single bite.  We do grace in my house and we take it out with us into the world.  Thank you, in advance, for understanding.