On Being Not Enough and Too Much
Today was...a day. Actually, the last few days have been those kinds of days. The kind of days where I feel that I've been pushed, pulled, and prodded emotionally. The kind of days where all of the feelings and stuff that percolates within me bubbles over and splashes around and over the people around me. The kind of days where I see the splashes of emotion I accidentally direct toward others and feel intense shame for not just keeping it all to myself. When I have a series of those days, I wind up having a day devoted to shame. Today was Shame Day, my least favorite holiday. I came home from Church and a community event and made a beeline for my bedroom. I closed the door and cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. Then, I stared out of my window and took a nap. And then, I read my book, Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. And then I figured some shiznit out.
The tears were cleansing, the solitude allowed me to just be, and the book activated some good thinking and as those things mixed together within my soul, I came to a realization. I think I understand why I continually find myself in this place of shame and ugliness and self doubt. There are probably many, many reasons, but the biggest reason, I believe, is because I am both not enough and too much for this world...all at the same time. I am not enough graciousness, politeness, control, or prettiness and I'm too much feelings, honesty, pain, and intensity. The highs are high and the lows are low in my world and neither the highs nor the lows are things I can tame enough for anyone's comfort.
In the book I'm reading, Glennon talks about wanting her insides to match her outsides. What she means is that she has a need to have all the "stuff" that's going on within her to be out in the open. She lives out loud. The good, the bad, the ugly...it all happens in the open and in the light. Or at least, that's how she's wired to navigate this world. She says (and this is a paraphrase) that she "feels this world too much." I read those pages and realized that I am just the same and, as a result, I'm just not enough and way too much for this world.
Being not enough and too much looks like this...
It looks like standing at the ticket booth to the football game that my daughters wanted to attend and realizing that in all of the hustle and bustle after school, I had forgotten our punch card to get into the game. It looks like asking, with quiet desperation, whether or not we could get into the game and have the card punched later. It looks like having the woman in the booth shoot me a withering look of disgust and triumph as she decidedly tells me "No." She wanted to put me in my place and in my place I was most decidedly put. What I wanted to say to this person was, "I know it seems like I want something for free, but I already feel like a failure because I forgot the card and now I feel really embarrassed. I know that $20 maybe doesn't seem like much to you, but I have to pay for school pictures and school lunches and a 10 year old's birthday party and I'm worried there won't be enough dollars for all of that. I really wish that you would not take pleasure in my discomfort because it really hurts my feelings." Because I know that is too much, I say, "If I'd known I would have to pay, I wouldn't have come." So, I'm not enough graciousness and humility and I seem entitled and awful.
It looks like spending far too long trying on dress after dress and applying extra lipstick and curling the hair just a little bit more so that I can attend a wedding. It looks like standing among the crowd of wedding goers feeling as though my skirt was just a little too short and plain and that my sandals were not the right choice and that my arms and legs don't belong in this space. It looks like standing alone while Ben finds a bathroom to use. What I want to say to the strangers standing near me is, "May I visit with you while I wait? I feel foolish standing here alone and I'm worried that my clothes and shoes aren't right and that I don't really belong." But, that is way too much, so I move toward the zinnias and admire them far longer than I should and then I introduce myself to the horses in the pasture because I'm sure they don't care that my clothes aren't right. I am not enough confidence and poise in social situations and I seem aloof and detached.
It looks like attending church on a busy day full of activity and seeing people walking around with yellow t-shirts to be worn at a community event. Somehow they knew to get them and I did not. It looks like going to an office and finding out that all of the shirts that would fit my girls and I are gone and all that is left are voluminous t-shirts that will hang to their knees and drape unflatteringly across my lumpy frame. What I wanted to say to the kind woman giving out the t-shirts was, "I feel like I miss things. I feel like everyone knows what to do and they know how to get the things they need. I feel like I'm always playing catch up and I don't hear the announcements. I feel apart from everyone else." I also want to say, "I already feel like my body is too big for this world. My wide hips and expansive thighs are just too much and not at all pretty. I'm worried that I will put on that t-shirt and my bigness will seem even more big and will be noticed and I don't want my bigness to be noticed." That is also just too much, so instead I express frustration that there are no t-shirts that fit us and vent about it to friends and my daughter all of whom are perplexed as too why I would care. It would be way too much to explain why I care, so I am not enough politeness or flexibility.
It looks like attending a community event and not knowing where to go or whom to stand near or sit by. It looks like finding myself alone and lonely in the middle of a large crowd. What I want to say to my friends is, "I need you to stay near me because I feel unmoored and unsettled in this large group. I know it can feel annoying, but I need to hover near you so I can feel safe. I feel lonely here in all of these people and I don't know how to say the polite things that people say at large social gatherings. I need a buffer." That is also too much, so as my friends gravitate toward the people who can say the right things and do the right things, I move myself away and apart. I am not enough extraversion or confidence and so I seem sullen and rude and needy.
I've been not enough so much in the past few days, that by the time I get to my car I am just way too much of everything. My kids argue like they usually do and my reaction is way too much because in my heart I worry that I'm not enough mom for them. We drive home in silence and I feel myself being pulled under by demons of self doubt and self loathing. "Why can't you be like other people? Why can't you just chill out? Why do you need so much? Why do you say those things and do those things?" Those demons inject my heart with cold, icy tendrils that expand into a heavy, glacier of despair.
It's not just that I'm too much of this and not enough of that. Sometimes I'm too much of something and other times I'm not enough of that same thing. In my work relationships, my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with extended family... I am too much confidence when I am decisive and take charge in organization and not enough when I cede control or hesitate to make a decision. I am too much kindness when I give lots of chances and not enough kindness when I lay down a boundary. Empathy, intelligence, humor, love, affection...I am too much or not enough most of the time and that leaves me feeling misunderstood, overlooked, and unfit to take up any emotional or physical space. I feel lonely and apart much of the time because I just don't fit.
In the midst of these days that were too much and not enough, I posted a quote from the book, Love Warrior and, with some hesitation because I feared that it was too much, I tagged Glennon in the post. To my utter surprise, she responded. This actually happened....
The tears were cleansing, the solitude allowed me to just be, and the book activated some good thinking and as those things mixed together within my soul, I came to a realization. I think I understand why I continually find myself in this place of shame and ugliness and self doubt. There are probably many, many reasons, but the biggest reason, I believe, is because I am both not enough and too much for this world...all at the same time. I am not enough graciousness, politeness, control, or prettiness and I'm too much feelings, honesty, pain, and intensity. The highs are high and the lows are low in my world and neither the highs nor the lows are things I can tame enough for anyone's comfort.
In the book I'm reading, Glennon talks about wanting her insides to match her outsides. What she means is that she has a need to have all the "stuff" that's going on within her to be out in the open. She lives out loud. The good, the bad, the ugly...it all happens in the open and in the light. Or at least, that's how she's wired to navigate this world. She says (and this is a paraphrase) that she "feels this world too much." I read those pages and realized that I am just the same and, as a result, I'm just not enough and way too much for this world.
Being not enough and too much looks like this...
It looks like standing at the ticket booth to the football game that my daughters wanted to attend and realizing that in all of the hustle and bustle after school, I had forgotten our punch card to get into the game. It looks like asking, with quiet desperation, whether or not we could get into the game and have the card punched later. It looks like having the woman in the booth shoot me a withering look of disgust and triumph as she decidedly tells me "No." She wanted to put me in my place and in my place I was most decidedly put. What I wanted to say to this person was, "I know it seems like I want something for free, but I already feel like a failure because I forgot the card and now I feel really embarrassed. I know that $20 maybe doesn't seem like much to you, but I have to pay for school pictures and school lunches and a 10 year old's birthday party and I'm worried there won't be enough dollars for all of that. I really wish that you would not take pleasure in my discomfort because it really hurts my feelings." Because I know that is too much, I say, "If I'd known I would have to pay, I wouldn't have come." So, I'm not enough graciousness and humility and I seem entitled and awful.
It looks like spending far too long trying on dress after dress and applying extra lipstick and curling the hair just a little bit more so that I can attend a wedding. It looks like standing among the crowd of wedding goers feeling as though my skirt was just a little too short and plain and that my sandals were not the right choice and that my arms and legs don't belong in this space. It looks like standing alone while Ben finds a bathroom to use. What I want to say to the strangers standing near me is, "May I visit with you while I wait? I feel foolish standing here alone and I'm worried that my clothes and shoes aren't right and that I don't really belong." But, that is way too much, so I move toward the zinnias and admire them far longer than I should and then I introduce myself to the horses in the pasture because I'm sure they don't care that my clothes aren't right. I am not enough confidence and poise in social situations and I seem aloof and detached.
It looks like attending church on a busy day full of activity and seeing people walking around with yellow t-shirts to be worn at a community event. Somehow they knew to get them and I did not. It looks like going to an office and finding out that all of the shirts that would fit my girls and I are gone and all that is left are voluminous t-shirts that will hang to their knees and drape unflatteringly across my lumpy frame. What I wanted to say to the kind woman giving out the t-shirts was, "I feel like I miss things. I feel like everyone knows what to do and they know how to get the things they need. I feel like I'm always playing catch up and I don't hear the announcements. I feel apart from everyone else." I also want to say, "I already feel like my body is too big for this world. My wide hips and expansive thighs are just too much and not at all pretty. I'm worried that I will put on that t-shirt and my bigness will seem even more big and will be noticed and I don't want my bigness to be noticed." That is also just too much, so instead I express frustration that there are no t-shirts that fit us and vent about it to friends and my daughter all of whom are perplexed as too why I would care. It would be way too much to explain why I care, so I am not enough politeness or flexibility.
It looks like attending a community event and not knowing where to go or whom to stand near or sit by. It looks like finding myself alone and lonely in the middle of a large crowd. What I want to say to my friends is, "I need you to stay near me because I feel unmoored and unsettled in this large group. I know it can feel annoying, but I need to hover near you so I can feel safe. I feel lonely here in all of these people and I don't know how to say the polite things that people say at large social gatherings. I need a buffer." That is also too much, so as my friends gravitate toward the people who can say the right things and do the right things, I move myself away and apart. I am not enough extraversion or confidence and so I seem sullen and rude and needy.
I've been not enough so much in the past few days, that by the time I get to my car I am just way too much of everything. My kids argue like they usually do and my reaction is way too much because in my heart I worry that I'm not enough mom for them. We drive home in silence and I feel myself being pulled under by demons of self doubt and self loathing. "Why can't you be like other people? Why can't you just chill out? Why do you need so much? Why do you say those things and do those things?" Those demons inject my heart with cold, icy tendrils that expand into a heavy, glacier of despair.
It's not just that I'm too much of this and not enough of that. Sometimes I'm too much of something and other times I'm not enough of that same thing. In my work relationships, my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with extended family... I am too much confidence when I am decisive and take charge in organization and not enough when I cede control or hesitate to make a decision. I am too much kindness when I give lots of chances and not enough kindness when I lay down a boundary. Empathy, intelligence, humor, love, affection...I am too much or not enough most of the time and that leaves me feeling misunderstood, overlooked, and unfit to take up any emotional or physical space. I feel lonely and apart much of the time because I just don't fit.
In the midst of these days that were too much and not enough, I posted a quote from the book, Love Warrior and, with some hesitation because I feared that it was too much, I tagged Glennon in the post. To my utter surprise, she responded. This actually happened....
Because I am just too much, tears immediately sprang from my eyes when I read her words. She saw me. Normally I would be cynical and believe that this was just some intern working hard to market a book, but I honestly don't think that's the case. I believe, hopefully not erroneously, that this person I admire and respect actually saw me and that I wasn't too much for her in that moment.
At first, I soared to heights of happiness because finally, for once, I was not too much for someone...someone who just chatted with Oprah Winfrey, for gosh's sakes (that really is too much..ha ha!). I felt connected and understood until reality slapped my exuberant, tear-stained face and I realized that the person to whom I felt this amazing connection is a celebrity and has lots of people that she *sees*. This moment of connection was just that...just a moment. Just like that, that feeling of connection was replaced with a quiet despair. It would be just my luck that the one person who might actually appreciate me in just the amount that I am is a celebrity who lives in Florida and jet sets across the world to share her insides with everyone she meets. That is truly just my luck...
If you're reading this thinking that I will close with some sort of brilliant epiphany that transforms me from someone who doesn't fit into someone who does... Well, you're out of luck. I have no idea how to be the right amount of anything really. Actually, that's not true. I do have some social skills. I know that in 99.9% of the situations I encounter, I just simply can't be too much. People don't know what to do with that amount and it makes them feel uncomfortable or like they have to somehow fix it for me...or fix me altogether. So, I know not to be too much, I just don't know how to do that with grace. I don't know how to feel connected to others when I can't really share all that I am, even when it is too much. I don't know how to be more of the things that draw people in and less of the things that scare them. So, my brilliant solution was to write this blog post and be too much in cyberspace as well as in real life. Aren't you all just the luckiest???
I guess, in the end, I want all the people who've had to deal with my too much and become annoyed by my not enough to know this... It may not seem like it, but I actually know that I'm not fitting into the space you have set aside for me. I know that this makes you feel uncomfortable and uneasy and I feel utterly terrible about that. I'm not a person who wants to make others feel those things, I swear! Please don't take the space away altogether even though I'm spilling over the sides right now. I promise that I am working on figuring out how to fit all that I am into the space I'm allowed, with no uncomfortable gaps. I really am trying.
I have those very same feelings. Amazing how alike we are. Add a ton of guilt to the mix though.
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