Early Morning Coffee with Karma

My body has this super annoying superpower of being able to wake up at the exact same time almost every single day regardless of what time I went to bed the night before or how much sleep I got.  An ancillary fun fact about me is that if I *am* going to sleep in, it will NOT be on a weekend is almost sure to occur on a day when I have an early morning meeting at work.  

We could chalk all of this up to growing older, semi-untreated anxiety, or just plain old run-of-the-mill bad luck.  I wish it could be any of those things, but my current guess is that my perpetual exhaustion is really an ongoing punishment for my various sins.  In other words, "Hello, Karma."  

This morning, when I woke up at "it's way too early on a Sunday" o'clock, I was scrolling through my phone and catching up on all the celebrities I like to cyber stalk.  I ran across some headlines about someone I follow on social media.  She's outspoken and funny and seemingly authentic.  I say "seemingly" because who even really knows.  Even amateurs like you and me very likely curate the "self" we present to the world on social media to some extent.  

Anyway, it seems that tweets and other social media activity that she engaged in around ten years ago had surfaced.  At that time in her life, she was mean.  There is no way around that.  She publicly tweeted mean things about other celebrities or other famous or infamous people.  She also sent private DM's that were pretty abhorrent.  She was 26 when she did these things and since then she has gotten married, had children, experienced painful hardships, and...you know...matured.  

I read through all of the various twitter threads.  Of course, the usual suspects in the cyber world are calling for her to be canceled.  She is liberal and bi-racial and lives in Hollywood so of course she is the devil without even trying.  She has sparred with people with whom she disagrees and was famously blocked by Donald Trump.  When I try to look at this situation from the "other side," I get it.  She's a thorn in their side and they feel a level of vindication from this exposure of her really horribly poor choices.  

As I read through all of the tweets with my exhausted, sleep deprived brain, I felt sad.  I was sad that she had said and done the things that she has admitted to saying and doing.  I was sad about the viciousness with which she was being skewered by her online enemies.  I was sad that there is so much disconnection and meanness.  

And...I was ashamed...

Last night, I was at a gathering and our conversation somehow veered into a place where I felt comfortable and entitled to speak very poorly about someone else.  Some of what I said was my honest opinion and observation.  Other parts were truly mean spirited and not at all helpful, relevant, or kind.  And, also, it just wasn't my best look or moment.  

Being gossiped about and whispered about and ranted about is not fun.  We've all had moments where we have overheard or learned that someone was saying something mean about us or spreading gossip about one of our struggles or making assumptions about who we are.  It sucks.  There is no graceful or eloquent way to say that.  Okay, there probably is, but I'm sleep deprived.  

We know this.  And yet, we, do it too.  At least I do.  

And I hate it.  I wish I could gather up all the mean comments and icky things I've ever said about another person and stuff them right back into my mouth.  

So, I can agree that the celebrity who has been "outed" for being mean ten years ago should never have said or done those things.  And, I do.  She should not.  She should apologize genuinely and authentically and not just with a curated statement on her social media sites.  

I can be a vocal opponent of bullying and meanness and believe in kindness and love with every ounce of my being (and I am all of those things).

I can also be a horrible example of all of that goodness.  I can be mean and dark and angry and bitter and.... human.

Thank goodness my mistakes and missteps aren't things that are likely to get blown up on social media or in the tabloids.  Still, the residual effect is the same. When I'm mean, I feel gross.  It feels good in the moment to air my grievances, but afterward I feel terrible and hypocritical and ugly and gross.  And that ickiness is contagious. I know that I didn't positively add to that social situation last night.  I feel terribly that our evening ended with my gross behavior.  Sorry, friends.  Please still love me.

And, apparently, the ickiness has staying power because here I sit with exhaustion weighing me down an regret filling my spirit.

This life is just one giant work in progress.  I'm 100% certain that this will not be the last time that I allow the darker parts of my soul to take the lead in guiding my behavior.  I already feel regret for the sins I have yet to commit.  Still, I can just keep trying.  I can wake up every day and recommit to myself that I will be a better person than I was the day before. I can work to be mindful and present and calm, even when facing stressful situations or people I find to be difficult.  

I don't have to like everybody, but I have to be nice to everybody...even when they aren't around.  Maybe especially when they aren't around.  

I want to be a better person.  I also want to be able to sleep past 5:00 a.m.  So, Karma, I'm going to do my best to send you packing by being the kind, calm, peaceful, and grace filled person I truly aspire to be.  Let me sleep :)