The Donald Trump Post
Last night, before I went to bed, I was scrolling through my twitter feed and it was full of tweets about Donald Trump and sexism and misogyny and rape culture. That isn't that unusual because he is pretty good at creating headlines and, well, he's not known for being particularly progressive in his attitudes about women. However, these tweets were extra angry and frustrated and intense, so I knew something was definitely up. And it was. I don't need to summarize the latest plot twist in the story of the 2016 Presidential Election; I'm sure you all went to bed with the same headlines blasting through your various social media feeds.
Before I continue, I should be fair and honest about my viewpoint. I have never, not once, ever voted for a Republican candidate for anything. Actually, that's probably not true. I'm sure some of the local candidates I've supported for Sheriff and County Commissioner are conservative and may even describe themselves as Republicans. Even still, I think it's fair and important for me to own the fact that I describe my perspective as progressive and liberal and that in every major election, I have voted for the Democratic candidate.
I share this because I think it's important to be honest about my perspective. However, this is all actually completely beside the point I'm going to try to make in this post. As I read the tweets and Facebook posts and news articles, I was just filled with an overwhelming weariness. I was filled, almost to the brim, with hopelessness. I thought about the three girls who were snuggled into their beds upstairs and I felt afraid and sad and really, really angry that this is the world in which they are growing up.
This is no longer about a Democrat vs. a Republican, for me. It's not about who will win the race or who will get to nominate the next few supreme court justices or how we should handle health care. Those are all important issues. I am friends with a variety of people - some who vote for Republican candidates and lots who vote for Democrats, and an increasing number who are looking for a third alternative. I agree with many of them regarding these issues and I disagree with many about these issues. The thing is, I may disagree with someone regarding tax policy or healthcare policy or any number of other issues... I may disagree with them about all of those issues and a bajillion more and still really respect them. I do respect my friends who have different political viewpoints. They are not evil or stupid or "sheep." They just look at problems differently than me. So, I'm not all about vilifying the other side. I promise.
But, this latest... I just cannot. It is disheartening to me to see people responding to this latest revelation with rationalizations and deflections. "Well, look at what Bill Clinton did! It's way worse..." and "Hillary enabled her husband's behavior for years" and "This was a long time ago." and even worse "Well, Hillary used a private server for email." I don't even know why we are entertaining these arguments. I certainly don't entertain them at the elementary school where I work.
The other day, a little boy reported to me that another little boy was goofing off in the bathroom. When I pulled the "perpetrator" aside and asked him about what happened in the bathroom, he responded with, "Well, my friends do it." I cut him off and gently said, "I didn't ask if your friends do those things. I'm asking about what you did in the bathroom." We repeated this exchange several times until he finally admitted that he had been goofing around in the bathroom and the teachable moment commenced.
The argument that "everyone else was doing it" doesn't hold water at my elementary school or at my home. I'd guess it doesn't hold water in your neck of the woods either. Why do we think it should be a valid response when so much is at stake? Why is a candidate for the highest office in our country given a pass for blatant misogyny and alleged sexual assault because his opponent's husband did similar stuff? Why are we hanging on to the rationalization that "Boys will be boys?" What the actual heck?
Now some of you are reading this and you know my story and you're probably thinking, "HYPOCRITE! Your husband! He lost his job and his reputation and did things that objectified women and girls. And you are still married to him!"
Yeah. I know. If you think that I'm not torn into a billion pieces over this horrible turn of events in my life, then you don't know me at all.
Ever since my life fell part in 2015, I have been waging an internal battle between all of the values I hold dear. I have been an avowed feminist before I even knew that was a thing. I attended a "Take Back the Night Rally" in college and was so overcome with emotion that I sobbed uncontrollably. People assumed I had been a victim, but I haven't; I was just that upset that our world was not safe. I have dedicated my career to advocating for the safety of children. I have been outspoken and critical about policies in my own community that perpetuate gender stereotypes and objectify women. I believe in those things with every fiber of my being. I am pissed as hell about what my husband did. When I think about those things, I am filled with rage and hurt and utter embarrassment.
And, also... I believe in forgiveness and redemption. I believe that we are all more than one bad choice or even 100 bad choices. I believe in the capacity for all human beings to change. When I was a tween, I cried real tears of anger and frustration when a serial killer was executed. I cried those tears not because I thought he was innocent or that the things he did were anything but horrific, but because I do believe that God can work in and through anyone. I don't think the answer to brutality is to inflict more brutality. I don't think two wrongs ever make a right. I believe all of these things with every fiber of my being. When I think about the things my husband did, I feel so sad for him and wish fervently that he could feel forgiven and redeemed so that he could finally love himself. I feel protective of him and feel real anger toward people who feel they have the right to judge him so harshly or who took joy in the pain my family went through.
In this case, the struggle is actually really freaking real. My heart is broken in a million different pieces by many people for multiple reasons.
And so, here we are. I am married to a man who has behaved in ways that have hurt women, including me. I simultaneously feel anger for what he's done and very protective of him and us. I have felt real anger about the many people who have picked up giant stones and hurled them around in their very glass houses. I am beyond devastated that my girls can't have both of their parents attend their school functions - not because there is anything legal preventing that because he didn't actually commit a crime - but because the court of public opinion has made it impossible. But I also get it, because I'm as mad as anyone that this has become my reality and that it's due to real damage that my husband caused.
All of these feelings and thoughts and convictions swirl around as I survey what I see as the wreckage of the Trump campaign. He actually said those things and all of the other things that have been circulating in the media in the past few months. It doesn't matter if Bill Clinton had multiple affairs of if he actually did sexually assault women. It doesn't matter if Hillary Clinton used a private server for e-mails. We are not talking about the Clintons right now, just like I wasn't talking to that little boy about what his friends do in the bathroom. We are talking about Donald Trump and his long history of saying derogatory, degrading, disrespectful, and abusive things about women. We are talking about the things he has said and done to their actual faces and behind their backs. We are talking about his behavior and his choices. So, it's not a Republican vs. Democrat thing. It's about the culture we want to have permeate our country and I cannot stay silent as a presidential candidate repeatedly perpetuates rape culture. I wouldn't have voted for Trump anyhow, but I am pleading with my friends who were to really, really think about this. His words are inexcusable. He should not be President. The End. Just like my husband shouldn't be a teacher ever again. The End. Sometimes, the things we do mean we lose the privilege to do some things ever again.
On the other hand, Trump may be a lot of things, but, in the end, he's just a human. He is a flawed, messed up human who was raised in the same culture we were all raised in. Trump's "sins" may be sensational and public and headline worthy. My husband's "sins" may have been sensational and public and headline worthy. They had the great misfortune to have cameras and microphones and journalists ready to pounce upon their misdeeds. However, that does not make them worse than us. We are not better than them. We are all complicit in the creation and perpetuation of rape culture with every school dress code, every sexualized joke, every comment equating a woman's worth with her perceived attractiveness, and every other thing we say, do, or believe that allows women to continue being "less than" or put in a particular place. Trump's behavior...my husband's behavior... It did not occur in a vacuum. We all have a part to play.
I won't be voting for Trump and I hope my friends, even the really conservative ones, refuse to vote for him as well. At the same time, I will not be calling him the "antichrist" or hoping for someone to murder him or calling him vile names. He is a person. He is a person who can be redeemed. He is a person who deserves consequences for his behavior and choices, but who also deserves love and dignity as those consequences are applied.
And can I just take a minute to give a fist bump of solidarity to Melania Trump and Hillary Clinton? Can I also ask that we just leave them the heck alone about the stuff their husbands have done? If you have never been betrayed by your partner, then thank your lucky stars and shut the heck up. You don't get to weigh in on what Melania should do or what Hillary should have done. And.... Even if you have been betrayed by your partner, you still need to shut the heck up. I trust that you made the right decision for YOU, whatever it may have been. I can't know your circumstances or your situation and we can't possibly profess to know Melania's or Hillary's. One of the hardest things I have had to contend with as I have slogged through my very worst thing is the feeling that no matter what I did, I would be disappointing "the public." If your inclination is to ever say, "How can she stay?" or "How can she leave?" just...don't. The only acceptable response is, "I am here and I trust YOU to make YOUR decisions." I have no idea where my life will lead to in the end, but I do know that having a chorus of opinions blasted at me from the peanut gallery has been anything but helpful.
Please, friends, let's take this moment as an opportunity to actually move toward goodness and love so that my girls, your girls, all girls can grow up without fear, can grow up with a full range of opportunities, or...can just actually grow up. We all have a part to play in making this world better. I hope you join me in taking a public stand that reflects values for equality and forgiveness and accountability and compassion.
Before I continue, I should be fair and honest about my viewpoint. I have never, not once, ever voted for a Republican candidate for anything. Actually, that's probably not true. I'm sure some of the local candidates I've supported for Sheriff and County Commissioner are conservative and may even describe themselves as Republicans. Even still, I think it's fair and important for me to own the fact that I describe my perspective as progressive and liberal and that in every major election, I have voted for the Democratic candidate.
I share this because I think it's important to be honest about my perspective. However, this is all actually completely beside the point I'm going to try to make in this post. As I read the tweets and Facebook posts and news articles, I was just filled with an overwhelming weariness. I was filled, almost to the brim, with hopelessness. I thought about the three girls who were snuggled into their beds upstairs and I felt afraid and sad and really, really angry that this is the world in which they are growing up.
This is no longer about a Democrat vs. a Republican, for me. It's not about who will win the race or who will get to nominate the next few supreme court justices or how we should handle health care. Those are all important issues. I am friends with a variety of people - some who vote for Republican candidates and lots who vote for Democrats, and an increasing number who are looking for a third alternative. I agree with many of them regarding these issues and I disagree with many about these issues. The thing is, I may disagree with someone regarding tax policy or healthcare policy or any number of other issues... I may disagree with them about all of those issues and a bajillion more and still really respect them. I do respect my friends who have different political viewpoints. They are not evil or stupid or "sheep." They just look at problems differently than me. So, I'm not all about vilifying the other side. I promise.
But, this latest... I just cannot. It is disheartening to me to see people responding to this latest revelation with rationalizations and deflections. "Well, look at what Bill Clinton did! It's way worse..." and "Hillary enabled her husband's behavior for years" and "This was a long time ago." and even worse "Well, Hillary used a private server for email." I don't even know why we are entertaining these arguments. I certainly don't entertain them at the elementary school where I work.
The other day, a little boy reported to me that another little boy was goofing off in the bathroom. When I pulled the "perpetrator" aside and asked him about what happened in the bathroom, he responded with, "Well, my friends do it." I cut him off and gently said, "I didn't ask if your friends do those things. I'm asking about what you did in the bathroom." We repeated this exchange several times until he finally admitted that he had been goofing around in the bathroom and the teachable moment commenced.
The argument that "everyone else was doing it" doesn't hold water at my elementary school or at my home. I'd guess it doesn't hold water in your neck of the woods either. Why do we think it should be a valid response when so much is at stake? Why is a candidate for the highest office in our country given a pass for blatant misogyny and alleged sexual assault because his opponent's husband did similar stuff? Why are we hanging on to the rationalization that "Boys will be boys?" What the actual heck?
Now some of you are reading this and you know my story and you're probably thinking, "HYPOCRITE! Your husband! He lost his job and his reputation and did things that objectified women and girls. And you are still married to him!"
Yeah. I know. If you think that I'm not torn into a billion pieces over this horrible turn of events in my life, then you don't know me at all.
Ever since my life fell part in 2015, I have been waging an internal battle between all of the values I hold dear. I have been an avowed feminist before I even knew that was a thing. I attended a "Take Back the Night Rally" in college and was so overcome with emotion that I sobbed uncontrollably. People assumed I had been a victim, but I haven't; I was just that upset that our world was not safe. I have dedicated my career to advocating for the safety of children. I have been outspoken and critical about policies in my own community that perpetuate gender stereotypes and objectify women. I believe in those things with every fiber of my being. I am pissed as hell about what my husband did. When I think about those things, I am filled with rage and hurt and utter embarrassment.
And, also... I believe in forgiveness and redemption. I believe that we are all more than one bad choice or even 100 bad choices. I believe in the capacity for all human beings to change. When I was a tween, I cried real tears of anger and frustration when a serial killer was executed. I cried those tears not because I thought he was innocent or that the things he did were anything but horrific, but because I do believe that God can work in and through anyone. I don't think the answer to brutality is to inflict more brutality. I don't think two wrongs ever make a right. I believe all of these things with every fiber of my being. When I think about the things my husband did, I feel so sad for him and wish fervently that he could feel forgiven and redeemed so that he could finally love himself. I feel protective of him and feel real anger toward people who feel they have the right to judge him so harshly or who took joy in the pain my family went through.
In this case, the struggle is actually really freaking real. My heart is broken in a million different pieces by many people for multiple reasons.
And so, here we are. I am married to a man who has behaved in ways that have hurt women, including me. I simultaneously feel anger for what he's done and very protective of him and us. I have felt real anger about the many people who have picked up giant stones and hurled them around in their very glass houses. I am beyond devastated that my girls can't have both of their parents attend their school functions - not because there is anything legal preventing that because he didn't actually commit a crime - but because the court of public opinion has made it impossible. But I also get it, because I'm as mad as anyone that this has become my reality and that it's due to real damage that my husband caused.
All of these feelings and thoughts and convictions swirl around as I survey what I see as the wreckage of the Trump campaign. He actually said those things and all of the other things that have been circulating in the media in the past few months. It doesn't matter if Bill Clinton had multiple affairs of if he actually did sexually assault women. It doesn't matter if Hillary Clinton used a private server for e-mails. We are not talking about the Clintons right now, just like I wasn't talking to that little boy about what his friends do in the bathroom. We are talking about Donald Trump and his long history of saying derogatory, degrading, disrespectful, and abusive things about women. We are talking about the things he has said and done to their actual faces and behind their backs. We are talking about his behavior and his choices. So, it's not a Republican vs. Democrat thing. It's about the culture we want to have permeate our country and I cannot stay silent as a presidential candidate repeatedly perpetuates rape culture. I wouldn't have voted for Trump anyhow, but I am pleading with my friends who were to really, really think about this. His words are inexcusable. He should not be President. The End. Just like my husband shouldn't be a teacher ever again. The End. Sometimes, the things we do mean we lose the privilege to do some things ever again.
On the other hand, Trump may be a lot of things, but, in the end, he's just a human. He is a flawed, messed up human who was raised in the same culture we were all raised in. Trump's "sins" may be sensational and public and headline worthy. My husband's "sins" may have been sensational and public and headline worthy. They had the great misfortune to have cameras and microphones and journalists ready to pounce upon their misdeeds. However, that does not make them worse than us. We are not better than them. We are all complicit in the creation and perpetuation of rape culture with every school dress code, every sexualized joke, every comment equating a woman's worth with her perceived attractiveness, and every other thing we say, do, or believe that allows women to continue being "less than" or put in a particular place. Trump's behavior...my husband's behavior... It did not occur in a vacuum. We all have a part to play.
I won't be voting for Trump and I hope my friends, even the really conservative ones, refuse to vote for him as well. At the same time, I will not be calling him the "antichrist" or hoping for someone to murder him or calling him vile names. He is a person. He is a person who can be redeemed. He is a person who deserves consequences for his behavior and choices, but who also deserves love and dignity as those consequences are applied.
And can I just take a minute to give a fist bump of solidarity to Melania Trump and Hillary Clinton? Can I also ask that we just leave them the heck alone about the stuff their husbands have done? If you have never been betrayed by your partner, then thank your lucky stars and shut the heck up. You don't get to weigh in on what Melania should do or what Hillary should have done. And.... Even if you have been betrayed by your partner, you still need to shut the heck up. I trust that you made the right decision for YOU, whatever it may have been. I can't know your circumstances or your situation and we can't possibly profess to know Melania's or Hillary's. One of the hardest things I have had to contend with as I have slogged through my very worst thing is the feeling that no matter what I did, I would be disappointing "the public." If your inclination is to ever say, "How can she stay?" or "How can she leave?" just...don't. The only acceptable response is, "I am here and I trust YOU to make YOUR decisions." I have no idea where my life will lead to in the end, but I do know that having a chorus of opinions blasted at me from the peanut gallery has been anything but helpful.
Please, friends, let's take this moment as an opportunity to actually move toward goodness and love so that my girls, your girls, all girls can grow up without fear, can grow up with a full range of opportunities, or...can just actually grow up. We all have a part to play in making this world better. I hope you join me in taking a public stand that reflects values for equality and forgiveness and accountability and compassion.
Well said, Sara.
ReplyDelete