I'm Not So Many Things...Yet

Last week, I made a mistake.  The magnitude, depending upon whom you talk to you, lies somewhere between arriving five minutes late for a meeting and accidentally setting off a nuclear weapon.  I had communicated with a parent and forgot to share that information with the student's classroom teacher. This resulted in a misunderstanding that escalated into big emotions and and harsh words and hurt feelings and the aftermath of that mistake confronted me first thing the next morning in the form of a very annoyed classroom teacher.  I should add, a justifiably annoyed classroom teacher.

I spent the rest of the day making amends - with the parent, with the teacher, and with other folks who had to deal with the effects of my mistake.  I felt terrible and thoughts like "You stink at this.  You are a failure." and the like rolled around in my brain and probably even were uttered at some point or another that day.  Like probably everyone, I like to do a good job...not because I like the attention or accolades (there isn't much or many of those sorts of things in social work)...but because I like to make others' lives easier and more manageable.  It about killed me that I had actually caused harm...even if it was relatively minor in the scheme of things.  I mean, I certainly didn't accidentally unleash nuclear weapons.  It could have been worse.

Like many people...all people, maybe?  When I make a mistake, I want to explain.  You see, I'm not thoughtless or incompetent or rude or stupid...at least not usually.  There are reasons for the mistakes and there was a reason for this one, but in the end, those explanations just sound like excuses.  Excuses seem to diminish or suppress the justified emotion being expressed by the injured parties and that never goes well in the end.  It never goes well, but I still try to explain and apologize and apologize and apologize.  I want to throw myself on whatever sword is lying around and crucify myself to a cross.  Never mind that other people just want to vent and move on, I insist upon making it a "thing."  Of course I do.  *sigh*

The irony is that I'm in the business of helping people push those swords aside and walk on by the crosses with un-pierced hands.  I just started two small groups based on the work of Carol Dweck who articulated the idea of a "Growth Mindset."  In a nutshell, someone with a growth mindset embraces challenges and sees mistakes as opportunities for growth.  With my students, we are working on understanding how their brains work, recognize the power for their brains to grow, and build strategies for pushing through adversity and challenges.  The other irony is that I have, more than once, been complimented on my own growth mindset.  Oh, am I a good faker.  

I suppose that's not actually true.  Even Dweck has said that we can all fluctuate in our ability to embrace a growth mindset depending upon the circumstances, the activity, the context in which the challenge occurs, the position of the moon, and whether or not someone has made a voodoo doll in your likeness.  Okay, Dweck didn't say those last two, but this blog post needed a little humor.  *ba, dum, dum, ching."  In any event, there are probably close to a zillion factors that might impact whether or not one brings a growth mindset to the table. I will own the fact that often, especially when it comes to looking at data and systems within our local school system, I embody a growth mindset.  I'm not afraid of trying new things or challenging the status quo if it means our students have an even better chance to find academic and social success.

But still....  Making mistakes is a bummer.  It is an extra bummer when the mistakes are directly linked to your own personal weaknesses and of course it was my many weaknesses that contributed to the big mistake.  

I am very poor at time management.  I seem to believe that I can cram an hour's worth of work into 30 minutes.  My calendar is scheduled from 7:30 a.m. until, some days, 4:00 p.m.  If one thing goes wrong or off track, the whole thing is a mess. 

I also have a tendency to take a single-minded approach when faced with a more intense situation.  Everything else flies out the window and I can do nothing else but solve that problem - whether it is helping a family access a shelter, making a report to child protective services, or meeting with someone who needs an open mind, a ready heart, and a listening ear.  

I stink at saying "no" and will be whatever and whomever I need to be for that hurting heart in front of me.  That's great...unless you're the person on my schedule that I just ditched.  

On that day, I had a big situation come up, my brain could handle nothing else, and I tried to do too much in too little time.  The fallout was just confirmation that all of those weaknesses I tried to keep under wraps were more prominent than I'd like to admit.  

That day, after making that mistake, I did not have a growth mindset.  Not even a little bit.

A few days have passed and I look back at that moment and I see the silver lining starting to poke through.  I want to be clear.  I wish with all of my heart that I had NOT made that mistake, but since the mistake has been made, I might as well look for that silver lining.  So, here it goes...

Making the mistake allowed me to model genuine regret, honesty, and authenticity to a parent who distrusts systems.  I owned my mistake, was very clear that I messed up, apologized with sincerity, and made amends the best way I could.  I *know* that this went very far toward building a bridge between that parent and our learning community.  

Making the mistake allowed me to get good, honest feedback from an experienced and exceptional colleague who challenged me to think about some of the work I'm doing.  She got "real" with me and I needed that "realness."  

Making the mistake kept me humble or, perhaps, made me more humble in a necessary way.  I'm pretty good at my job most of the time, but it can be easy to let success, even success in social work, lead to a slightly over-inflated ego.  I needed a little deflating, probably.  

Just like that, my mindset is shifting.  I was stuck in the ruttiest rut of a fixed mindset and time, a little self love, and the promise of days yet to come brightens the horizon just a teensy bit.  I'm not the social worker I want to be and that my students deserve...yet ;)  

Here's to the power of yet.  

What's your mindset today?