Here We Go Again

Last night, I had a dream.  Actually, it's actually more like a nightmare.  It's a recurring nightmare that I've had off and on since graduate school.  The details of the dream change slightly, but it always goes something like what I dreamt last night.

I dreamt that I was enrolled in a math class and it was the end of the semester in that class.  However, somehow I just discovered I was in the class and so I had to complete a semester's worth of work in just a few hours.  I was frantically making "to do" lists and struggling through difficult math problems and running into roadblocks.  I always struggle for a bit and then realize that I have to confess to my professor.  I have to explain my absence from class and beg for mercy.  I never actually dream that conversation.  I guess I always wake up before I can get resolution.

I should have known this dream was coming. Last week, the tight band of anxiety tightened around my chest and caused my heart rate to increase precipitously.  My thoughts were jumbled and every single one of muscles was taut and tense.  My shoulders were in a constant hunch around my ears and I had this overwhelming feeling that I just wanted to run.  By the by, I am NOT a runner any longer.

Of course, the cause of this anxiety is obvious for anyone who is currently alive on this planet.  Just like everyone else, I have found my life suddenly turned upside down as the coronavirus, COVID-19, rips it's way across the globe.

One of my favorite book series when I was a kid was the Anne of Green Gables series.  In the final book of the series, the story is actually told from the perspective of Anne's daughter Rilla and takes place during WWI. At the beginning of the book, Rilla is a silly teenager who is preoccupied with dances and her crush on a boy in her town.  As she concerns herself with those typical teenage matters, one of the other characters makes passing mention of an assassination of some Archduke.  Then, a few pages later, Rilla's entire life is upended as the realities of a giant war make themselves known.

COVID-19 snuck up on me in the same way.  I am a half-hearted consumer of news, so I'd heard rumblings about this virus. However, I hadn't really taken those rumbles seriously.  Even as the commentary became more intense, I was pretty convinced this was like other "pandemics" that had made headlines.  We had lived through H1N1 and Ebola; I was pretty sure this was just like that.  Then, they started cancelling things.  They canceled the NBA and then March Madness.  Then, travel restrictions began to be enacted.  One Friday, they were sure we wouldn't be closing schools in MN and then they announced they would.  Then our district decided to close even sooner than we'd planned.

Two weeks ago, we were making plans for the rest of our semester.  I was planning weekend outings with my family.  I bought freaking track shoes for my 7th grader.  Now...  here we are.  I'm watching church services from my computer and have prepared to work from home in a distance learning format.  We don't get to see anyone outside of our immediate families, really.  Life has changed completely.

Life is so funny.  It is brutally hilarious, sometimes.

This isn't the first time I've found myself in a world that's been turned upside down.  My chest has been bound by the tight band of anxiety before.  My body is well versed in hyper-vigilantly preparing itself for the next round of band news and intense stress.  Luckily, I also know what I need to do in order to keep my head above the swirling waters of anxiety or depression.  I know what things help me calm my mind and manage the seemingly unmanageble.

I walk by myself or with a companion.

I bake tasty things to eat and cook healthy-ish meals for my people.

I stretch my body and focus my mind on yoga.

And...  I write.

So, here we are.  I find myself needing to type my fingers across a keyboard and allow whatever is stirring my soul to find a home on my screen.

When things get dicey, I get more introspective and quiet.  I fold myself in and tuck myself into solitude and then splash vulnerability all over this blog.

And so, like it or not, I will share my dark thoughts, glimmers of hope, and hopefully some bright spots of humor and fun as we all move through this crazy moment in history.  Maybe you'll join me.  Maybe we'll help keep each other sane.

I sure hope so.