Wondering About Wonder
The other night, I was getting into bed and my partner/boyfriend/whatever showed me a meme that he said described me to a "T." The meme said something like, "Some people's demons aren't ready for you." That's not an exact quote, but the gist was that he believed my heart was so good that it was offensive to some people because of their own "stuff."
I mean, I wish I could totally own that level of goodness, but I can't. Still, you guys... Can you even?
Then, yesterday, I said something. I don't remember what. It wasn't that brilliant or memorable. However, when I looked over at him, he had this certain kind of look on his face. He looks at me like that quite often. For a long time, it was a look I couldn't place. I felt seen and vulnerable and unsure. I'd kind of blush and look down and say, "What?" He would usually say something like, "Nothing. I just really like you." I realized yesterday that the look was one of wonder and awe. Which is weird, because I'm just an ordinary person.
I was thinking a lot about all of this yesterday because I was painting my dining room. There is nothing else to do while painting aside from thinking excessively about all of the things. I was thinking about how often Brian looks at me with wonder and awe. I thought about how good it felt to have someone think you're so awesome.
And then, I thought a dark thought.
I thought, "What will I do when he stops looking at me like that?"
In my brain, that was a foregone conclusion. This. Could. Not. Last. Some day, Brian will wake up and see that I am a 40 something year old woman with acne scars and a poochy belly and giant feelings. He will be exhausted by all of my ideas and bored with all of my stories from work. He will stop wondering about all the good stuff and wonder instead about why I lose my keys and "forget" to hang up my clothes.
I found myself getting really sad about the ending that wasn't even on the horizon. Some might say I was being silly...borrowing trouble...planning for a catastrophe that might never be...and they would probably be right.
Except, this is a story I know well. Once upon a time, I thought I had a love filled with wonder. And that ended. I've told myself many stories about why that ending happened. That story goes something like this: I wasn't wonderful. I wasn't captivating. I wasn't enough.
Then, I took a deep breath and I remembered all the zillions of hours I've spent in my therapist's office. I thought about what I would tell my very best friends if they were having these thoughts. This is what I would say...
I feel like I need to write that on a post-it and hang it on my mirror.
After giving myself some therapy, I thought about people I know who are truly wonderful and how I hoped that they KNOW it. That the wonder they possess is something they are sure of way down in their bones. I hope that they have someone who looks at them with naked admiration.
We all deserve to have at least one person who thinks we are the bees knees. By the way, that someone doesn't have to be a lover or romantic partner. I have friends who live independently and do so happily.
In fact, as I type, I am having a huge realization.
A realization so giant that I want to delete this whole thing and start all over.
Except, I'm not going to do that. Sometimes, we need to see the meandering path that leads to truth so that the truth is more believable. To put it another way, I could delete all the insecurities that I spewed out above and just jump right to the truth, but that wouldn't be real, authentic truth. I guess what I want you to know is that I'm no expert. I don't have it all together. I'm figuring this out along with you.
So, here's the realization I just had about two minutes ago...
It's awesome that Brian looks at me with wonder. Like, super awesome.
However, the person that I really need to look to for confirmation of my value is the person I see when I look in the mirror. I need to look at MYSELF with wonder. I need to know deep in my bones that I am worthy of love, respect, kindness, fidelity, and awe. I need to remember who I am and where I came from.
The cool thing about that is that *if* a relationship ends or changes, this knowledge about myself doesn't have to. My value doesn't change with the various levels of affection that I get from other people. Neither does yours.
We are enough. More than enough. We are wonders.
No matter what.
Love you...
I mean, I wish I could totally own that level of goodness, but I can't. Still, you guys... Can you even?
Then, yesterday, I said something. I don't remember what. It wasn't that brilliant or memorable. However, when I looked over at him, he had this certain kind of look on his face. He looks at me like that quite often. For a long time, it was a look I couldn't place. I felt seen and vulnerable and unsure. I'd kind of blush and look down and say, "What?" He would usually say something like, "Nothing. I just really like you." I realized yesterday that the look was one of wonder and awe. Which is weird, because I'm just an ordinary person.
I was thinking a lot about all of this yesterday because I was painting my dining room. There is nothing else to do while painting aside from thinking excessively about all of the things. I was thinking about how often Brian looks at me with wonder and awe. I thought about how good it felt to have someone think you're so awesome.
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| COVID-Blue AKA Sherwin Williams "Oceanside" The color that prompted all the wondering. |
And then, I thought a dark thought.
I thought, "What will I do when he stops looking at me like that?"
In my brain, that was a foregone conclusion. This. Could. Not. Last. Some day, Brian will wake up and see that I am a 40 something year old woman with acne scars and a poochy belly and giant feelings. He will be exhausted by all of my ideas and bored with all of my stories from work. He will stop wondering about all the good stuff and wonder instead about why I lose my keys and "forget" to hang up my clothes.
I found myself getting really sad about the ending that wasn't even on the horizon. Some might say I was being silly...borrowing trouble...planning for a catastrophe that might never be...and they would probably be right.
Except, this is a story I know well. Once upon a time, I thought I had a love filled with wonder. And that ended. I've told myself many stories about why that ending happened. That story goes something like this: I wasn't wonderful. I wasn't captivating. I wasn't enough.
Then, I took a deep breath and I remembered all the zillions of hours I've spent in my therapist's office. I thought about what I would tell my very best friends if they were having these thoughts. This is what I would say...
You are a wonder. You are worthy of adoration. You are a gift just as you are. This does not have to end. There are no guarantees, but maybe, just maybe, you will be enough for this person for all the days.
I feel like I need to write that on a post-it and hang it on my mirror.
After giving myself some therapy, I thought about people I know who are truly wonderful and how I hoped that they KNOW it. That the wonder they possess is something they are sure of way down in their bones. I hope that they have someone who looks at them with naked admiration.
We all deserve to have at least one person who thinks we are the bees knees. By the way, that someone doesn't have to be a lover or romantic partner. I have friends who live independently and do so happily.
In fact, as I type, I am having a huge realization.
A realization so giant that I want to delete this whole thing and start all over.
Except, I'm not going to do that. Sometimes, we need to see the meandering path that leads to truth so that the truth is more believable. To put it another way, I could delete all the insecurities that I spewed out above and just jump right to the truth, but that wouldn't be real, authentic truth. I guess what I want you to know is that I'm no expert. I don't have it all together. I'm figuring this out along with you.
So, here's the realization I just had about two minutes ago...
It's awesome that Brian looks at me with wonder. Like, super awesome.
However, the person that I really need to look to for confirmation of my value is the person I see when I look in the mirror. I need to look at MYSELF with wonder. I need to know deep in my bones that I am worthy of love, respect, kindness, fidelity, and awe. I need to remember who I am and where I came from.
I am a precious child of a powerful, amazing God who looks at me everyday with Wonder (with a Capital "W"). I am enough.
The cool thing about that is that *if* a relationship ends or changes, this knowledge about myself doesn't have to. My value doesn't change with the various levels of affection that I get from other people. Neither does yours.
We are enough. More than enough. We are wonders.
No matter what.
Love you...
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