Back to Square One

Lord, prepare me to be a Sanctuary, 

pure and Holy, tried and true. 

With Thanksgiving, I'll be a living, Sanctuary for you.  
~Randy Scruggs

I am jealous of others...I want to be her, her, or her...anyone but me.  I don't trust myself. 

I assume the worst. I am not mindful. 

I don't make time for me, for others, for God. I am a disaster. I am cynical. 

I lack hope.

Yesterday, I wrote those words on the prettiest scrapbook paper you could ever find.  They were my confession.  They outlined most of the ugly things I had felt in my heart and carried in my spirit for days, months, maybe longer. I wrote those words and crumpled that pretty paper and then stuffed that beautiful mess into a tall glass vase along with the confessions deposited by 30-40 other women.  It was a collection of all of the hidden, secret worries, anxieties, and hard feelings from women spanning generations.  It may sound silly and cheesy, but seeing that tall vase full of the worst of our hearts filled me with relief.  I.was.not.alone.

Almost a year ago, I began writing this blog to chronicle a reframing of the life I had been living.  I wanted to be more mindful and to care for my mind, body and spirit. I wanted to feel and do better.  I wanted to become reacquainted with myself.  I started the project with hope and conviction and for a time things went well.  Until they didn't.  As I slid further and further away from my goals, the self-talk became more and more negative and I projected that negativity on those around me.  Small disagreements became larger in my mind.  Small slights were transformed into major rejections. Because I've seen myself as pudgy, unattractive, unloveable, and stuck, I was sure that everyone around me agreed.  

Then, yesterday, I taped a picture of myself into a journal with the word "Authenticity" written across the top.  It was a selfie I took on a sunny day. I looked at this picture with fresh eyes and framed with questions posed by the pastor leading our retreat activity.  The girl in the picture...the girl who was actually me...seemed like a stranger. I found myself staring at the questions and I struggled to find answers.  

Question #1: What do you see when you look at her?

I looked at the photograph and saw a girl who, while not a supermodel, was not nearly as ugly as I had imagined.  My smile was broad and friendly.  The "thumbs up" I was giving to celebrate a sunny commute was positive.  There was silliness and irreverence in the picture.  

I also saw strength.  I saw someone who could smile even in the midst of ongoing heartbreak.  I saw someone who had not yet given up.  I see someone whose life has not turned out the way she'd hoped or envisioned, but was still hoping for something good to come.  I saw me.

Question #2: What do you love and appreciate about her?

When I was in 1st grade, I was pretty sure I was pretty awesome.  I walked confidently into my school and was assured of my place at the table.  I spent exactly zero seconds worrying about what anyone other than my mom and step-dad thought of me.  At least that's what I remember?  So, why, then at the age of 38 does it fill me shame and discomfort to even contemplate things I might actually like about myself?  

Here's the thing.  There actually are things I like about myself.  I'm not devoid of any self esteem.  However, I feel like somehow owning those strengths is frowned upon. I could argue that it's because I'm a girl and girls are conditioned to be humble and downplay their strengths.  That probably has something to do with it, but there's more to it. I think it's really about fear that I might be the only one who sees these strengths.  If I pretend to believe I totally suck, I can't be disappointed by others' responses. 

This weekend was about courage and wholehearted living, so here goes my first best effort.  When I look at that picture, I feel love and appreciation for...

• My heart - I am generous with love and kindness.
• My brain - I am smart and like to think the deep thoughts and ponder the big questions.
• My energy - I am fun and silly and creative.
• My ambition - I am passionate about creating a space and experience that helps little people become good, decent humans.
• My commitment - I get stuff done. Period.

Question #3: What makes her light shine?

This one is easy...  

• Children.  Children laughing.  Children playing. Children learning.  My children doing all of the above. 
• Breathing in fresh air and stretching my limbs. 
• Cooking. Taking a pile of ingredients and creating something wholesome and nutritious for my people. 
• Laughing.  At silly knock knock jokes, at potty humor, at videos of people falling down, at witty comments. 
• Creating art and using color. Making ugly things pretty and making pretty things prettier.

I really could go on and on... So many things make my heart sing.  

Question #4: What can you do to take care of her? 

This is where I have come full circle.  Less than a year ago, I pondered this same question and conceived Project Norway and yet, just one week ago, numerous people told me to start caring for myself.  My body demanded it. And so, here we go again, my friends.  

What can I do to take care of myself? 

Start Over. 

And... Have Courage.

And... Pray.

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.  

Cast me not a way from thy presence, Oh Lord.

Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the power of your salvation 
and renew a right spirit within me.
~Keith Green

Here we go again. Project Norway 3.0