Seeking Balance
Once, while on vacation, we wandered into a lovely gift shop in the even lovelier town of Bayfield and I found a little treasure amidst a dish full of little charms. Lying there among the directives to "Believe" and "Choose Joy" a tiny charm pulled me in with the words "Seek Balance." I wasn't foolish enough to believe that I'd suddenly feel balanced and complete after purchasing that charm, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a daily reminder. And so, since that day, I've worn that charm most of the time, most every day. Even with that reminder, balance has been difficult to find. In fact, if balance were playing hide and seek, it would still be in that top secret location while I called out in desperation to end the game. Oh, balance....
After having gotten settled into my chair, a person I consider a friend leaned over and told me that she noticed that I was doing all of the things and also that I've been very sick. She wanted me to know that I don't actually have to do all of the things. I can say "No." She was so kind. Her words were lovely and genuine and concerned. It feels good to have people notice you drowning in your own life and then take time to offer support. Just days before, my father-in-law patted me on the shoulder, gave me a hug, and told me, "You need stop burning the candles at both ends." So many people sending the same message as this little charm around my neck... Seek Balance.
Yesterday, I attended my two older daughters' band and choir concert. This was after, I worked all day, went to the doctor to discover I had a very, very long lasting and suddenly very expensive cold, ran home to throw some food at my children, presented to the Lion's Club to beg for money for my troop, and rushed over to the high school to find seats in the auditorium. *deep breath* Balance was nowhere to be found.
After having gotten settled into my chair, a person I consider a friend leaned over and told me that she noticed that I was doing all of the things and also that I've been very sick. She wanted me to know that I don't actually have to do all of the things. I can say "No." She was so kind. Her words were lovely and genuine and concerned. It feels good to have people notice you drowning in your own life and then take time to offer support. Just days before, my father-in-law patted me on the shoulder, gave me a hug, and told me, "You need stop burning the candles at both ends." So many people sending the same message as this little charm around my neck... Seek Balance.
I've been thinking about this quite a bit since yesterday evening. I know all of these people and my charm are right. Balance is important and this life I'm living is anything but balanced. But, how? Seriously. How?
For the past 2-3 weeks, I have felt crummy. It turns out I just have a cold, but I honestly think my body took this pesky virus as an opportunity to say, "Hey, lady. You just can't do what you're doing with no consequences. Something's got to give and right now it's your health." I've felt run down, tired, congested, lethargic, and downright despondent. My brain has been filled with a fog and as a result I've missed deadlines, forgotten due dates, messed up schedules, miscalculated checkbook balances, and misplaced things.
My desk at work looks like my brain exploded upon it. I'm behind on case notes, newsletters, and lesson plans. I have meetings to coordinate, agendas to write, and mountains of new data to sift through. I have so many emails in my inbox and many of them are legitimate requests for my time, my help, or my thoughts. I have new students to meet, current students to engage, and all the while I need to keep the dimples popping as I beam at the loose teeth and tiny successes.
As I type all of this, I am reminded of a poem I read when I was in high school. This poem, called "Not Waving but Drowning", was written by a woman named Stevie Smith in 1972. The poem is older than me, but still seems to capture what I'm experiencing right now.
Nobody heard him, the dead man.
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Nobody heard him, the dead man.
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
So...I'm drowning. Since I don't want to wind up like the "poor chap" in the poem, I need to fashion my own life preserver and that apparently means letting something go. But who do I say "No" to? Who do I disappoint? My children? The girl scouts? My colleagues? My bosses? The Sunday School children? Some would say to just figure out what you love and do that, but I actually do love all of the things. I really and honestly do. But even that makes me stop and wonder... I've spent my entire life trying to "fit" somewhere and always feeling just a bit on the outside. Am I doing all of the things because I'm afraid that if I don't, I won't belong? If I stop doing, will I stop being? Oh, man...
I've got no answers. Yet again, I leave you with the questions in pursuit of the wisdom that will help me fashion that life preserver. I've been seeking balance for years and it hasn't shown its lovely face once? Has anyone else found it? Can you point me in the direction of its hiding place?
I've got no answers. Yet again, I leave you with the questions in pursuit of the wisdom that will help me fashion that life preserver. I've been seeking balance for years and it hasn't shown its lovely face once? Has anyone else found it? Can you point me in the direction of its hiding place?
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