Joy: Updated and Paused

On Friday, I met up with my friend Paul to have dinner in the city and visit the Minneapolis Institute of Art.  The goal was to introduce him to this gem of awesomeness tucked in the middle of Minneapolis and to help me check off an item on my #40things list.  We shared a pizza that I loved and that he tolerated (way to be a good sport, Paul.  Next time, you get to pick with no input from me!) and he took out his phone to look at my list and quizzed me on how I'd been doing on getting it all accomplished. 

I'm only a few weeks into 2018 and I'm not even actually 40 years old yet, but I have made some progress.  The fitness plan and the whole eating mindfully things haven't happened...yet (yay, growth mindset).  However, I've found that my motivation to exercise and eat well are incredibly lacking when the air outside makes my face hurt upon contact.  With temps above "Ohmigosh...I can't breathe," I am hopeful that things will improve in this area.  Plus, also, I asked my friend Darcy to slap me if she saw me consuming chocolate. 

While the healthy living thing has not yet blossomed, I have read two books, gone snowshoeing in a new to me state park, snuck in a quick ski this afternoon with plans to sneak two more in before the end of the month, and I've made lots of plans to get the other stuff accomplished.  In the midst of this doing has been the joy. I knew it would be there.  So much joy that comes from living out loud surrounded by people who love me and whom I adore.  

But tonight...  tonight there is a little pause.  I suppose that was inevitable.  Life is not tidy or pretty all of the time and journeys are rarely a straight line.  My days have been filled with joy most of the time.  My students continue to be sources of laughter, fun, and inspiration.  My kids are living full, busy, lives and they seem to be weathering the storms of our recent lives with bravery, resiliency, and peace most of the time.  I have roughly a zillion friends who graciously include me in their celebrations, dinners, and evenings even though I'm always the extra.  I am lucky.  So darn lucky. 

Why, then, am I awake at 12:31 a.m.?  Why does my chest feel heavy and my bed feel so darn huge? Why do I have that old feeling in the pit of my stomach...the feeling of panic and unrest that seems to form a giant pit wedged right in my belly?  Your word is JOY, Sara.  Be joyful...or, better yet, just go to sleep!  

The thing is that while my life is by all accounts a good life most days now, it is not the life I planned.  My students are wonderful, but I have no one to talk to about my day when I get home.  I can't share the silly, hilarious things they say.  I can't unload about the tough days.  I can't ask for advice or process my doubts.  My job has joy, but I do it alone.

My kids are insanely busy and so very happy.  They are swimming and skiing and acting and knowledge bowling.  We have programs and meets and girl scout meetings and church commitments.  I am so grateful that I get to be there for so many of those things.  They are the greatest joys of my life.  They have saved my life a million times.  I love watching them do the things they love to do (or in daughter #3's case, tolerates doing since I force her to occasionally do something other than make slime).  I feel joy being their mama.  However, there is no one to share that joy with, really.  I can't catch the eye of my partner to communicate our mutual amazement that these beings we created are so darn marvelous.  I sit at the meets and the programs and all the things as a third wheel.  

The dinners and parties and events with my friends are fabulous.  I love every second.  I may have been screwed over by life on many fronts, but I have been truly blessed with the very best friends ever.  Hands down.  Your friends pale in comparison to mine.  Unless you are my actual friend.  Then, we probably share friends and so it's a tie.  My kids have saved my life, but my friends have been giving me constant reminders that life is not just something to tolerate but something you LIVE for real.  We have experienced joy.  We have laughed, played, sang, and danced.  And yet, I am the forever third or fifth or seventh wheel.  No matter the number, I am always odd.  

The thing is that most days, I'm actually okay with all of these things.   The ladies at my house have mastered the art of "making the best out of a bad situation."  I am genuinely happy for my friends who have happy marriages.  I don't mind being the person who makes the board game team formation a little tricky.  I soak up every second I have with my kids and I go to work every day determined to make it a good day.  My life is good.  Really good.

But, sometimes, 12:31 a.m. happens and I'm just sick and tired of making the best of a bad situation.  I don't want to make the best out of something.  I want to have the best of something.  I want the life I had planned...a life that did not involve me sitting in my huge bed alone at 12:31 a.m. feeling lonely and lonesome and sad.  It certainly did not include the word "Divorce" on any bullet point.  

The good news is that 12:31 a.m. doesn't last forever.  A new day will dawn in just a few hours.  I may tackle that day with puffy eyes and diminished energy, but it will be a new day.  Pauses are always temporary and the life inspired by JOY that I am determined to live will resume.  I know it will.  

I just needed this pause.  

And some melatonin.  

Good night.