Single in Central MN
At some point after my marriage was over for reals, I decided to dive into the online dating pool. I don't really know why. I had a few friends encourage me to jump in and just see what was out there. I was in the midst of planning my new life and wanted to kind of know what might included in the next chapters. If I'm honest, I also wanted to know that even though my marriage failed, I am not a complete loser. I wanted validation. I wanted to know that someone, somewhere out there might actually see me as relatively attractive.
The experience has been simultaneously hilarious and rather disheartening and snowballed into an odd double existence. I lived my daily life which was mostly the same as it always has been and then I had this "online" world where I communicated with people who I didn't know but got to know in a disjointed, unnatural way. It was like a venn diagram with circles that never overlapped - there was this weird "online dating" circle and my "actual life" circle. I've since deleted every app and put all of this nonsense mostly on hold. Still, the experience has taught me some valuable lessons.
Lesson #1: Trust Your Gut
I know, I know. I should not have to re-learn this lesson. I guess I like to learn things the hard way and by that I mean, by putting myself into uncomfortable situations from which it is difficult to get out.
My first date was with a guy who lived some distance from me. We chatted on the app, texted, and then chatted on the phone. There were numerous things in our conversations that "bugged" me, but I figured I needed to be kind and give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't be too picky, right?
No. I get to be picky (perhaps that is a sub-lesson).
We met for dinner and when I walked into the restaurant I looked around and did not see the person I thought I was meeting. Then, a man who looked about 15 years older and at least 75 pounds heavier than any of the pictures he'd shared with me stood up and greeted me. (Red Flag #1). Now, let me be clear. It was not his age or his weight that bothered me, it was the deception. I was stunned and not sure quite how to react, so I defaulted to MN Nice and slid into the booth.
When we began ordering, he was clearly trying to impress me by being fussy about the kind of booze that went into his mixed drink. The bar did not have his first choice so he begrudgingly chose some other kind of vodka. I sat in silence as this played out, but I wanted to point out to him that I am a social worker. I could care less what brand booze he drinks and I'm not impressed by this kind of junk. (Red Flag #2).
As we were eating, the waitress would approach and he would flirt with her. I honestly could care less since I already knew I was not interested in him, but it still seemed kind of a stupid move. He also would interrupt me and used the phrase "blah, blah, blah" about 40 million times in the conversation...mostly when alluding to something he thought might interest me. He also spoke at length about his ex-wife in a negative way. I mean, I get it. We were both divorced so obviously things didn't work out for either of us in the love department, but I found myself kind of feeling badly for her. (Red Flags #3, #4, #5).
This should have been enough, right? No. Not for this girl. After dinner, he suggested we go visit a corn maze. I wanted to decline. I should have declined. But...I wanted to be nice. So I went to a crowded corn maze filled with adorable families and awkwardly wandered through the maze with someone I did not like very much. I am 100% certain my body language was communicating how I felt loud and clear, but when we finally made it to our cars he went in for a kiss. I somehow contorted my body to avoid the kiss and we ended up with an awkward hug. I got into the car, burst into gales of laughter, and then called my best friends to let them know I was still alive but decidedly jaded by this experience.
I should never have gone on this date. I knew I was not really interested in this guy from the moment I started texting him. But, I was too nice. I need to let my gut trump my habit of being nice. Lesson learned (I hope).
Lesson #2: Proceed with Caution for the Sake of All
I went on several dates with two other gentlemen. They were super nice guys. Nicer than I probably deserved given how both of these "relationships" unfolded. We clicked online and on the telephone. They were kind, caring, sweet, and pretty respectful. I went on several dates with both of them and had a good time, however it quickly escalated beyond that with which I was comfortable. It became very clear to me rather quickly that they felt far stronger feelings for me than I could possibly return because I am pretty much an emotional wreck. I think I tried to communicate that, but not very successfully. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing doesn't go over well and I wanted to avoid hurting feelings as much as possible.
This all unfolded in the midst of a busy and rather emotionally charged month, so I honestly didn't have the time or energy to properly problem solve. By the end of this month, I collapsed on my couch and slept for what felt like three days straight. I woke up and realized that so much time had passed that I didn't know how to artfully discuss the status of these "relationships" without it being awkward. So...and I'm not proud of this...I ghosted. I know! I know! It's awful.
I should have been more assertive and clear with my feelings. I should have acknowledged that I was super afraid that I was getting into things too quickly and that I didn't yet have trust in myself to have the ability to discern who would be a good fit in my life. I have to admit that I also think there was this script playing in the back of my head that went something like, "If they are this nice to you, something is wrong because you obviously don't deserve this kindness." So...I made sure I didn't deserve any more kindness by behaving like a meanie. This was not true to who I am and I will be plagued with guilt about this for the rest of my life. Be true to one's self. Lesson learned.
Lesson #3: Lots of People are Just Awful
All those horror stories you've heard about online dating? They are true. They are real. I received messages from people whose screen names were, I suspect, the titles of their favorite adult films. I was invited to become "friends" with married couples. I had conversations with people who appeared to be normal people who within just a few messages invited me to participate in all sorts of craziness that I would never be interested in. Ever. I got virtual winks from men who were in their 70's and solicited for pictures of myself as an opening line. The volume of this pure awfulness was really just too much. Online dating is not for me. My tender heart is just not able to handle the knowledge that this kind of blatant ickiness is running so very rampant. I preferred blissful ignorance. Lesson learned.
The Bottom Line
There are a million other take aways from this experience, but this post is already a little too long. The bottom line is that I need to move more slowly, guard my heart and the hearts of potential partners more carefully, and allow the universe to send me potential partners rather than proactively trying to make it happen. I am lonely, but I am not desperate. Patience, it turns out, really is a virtue and while I would love to have a partner some day, I'm really okay with this all taking some time.
Lesson #1: Trust Your Gut
I know, I know. I should not have to re-learn this lesson. I guess I like to learn things the hard way and by that I mean, by putting myself into uncomfortable situations from which it is difficult to get out.
My first date was with a guy who lived some distance from me. We chatted on the app, texted, and then chatted on the phone. There were numerous things in our conversations that "bugged" me, but I figured I needed to be kind and give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't be too picky, right?
No. I get to be picky (perhaps that is a sub-lesson).
We met for dinner and when I walked into the restaurant I looked around and did not see the person I thought I was meeting. Then, a man who looked about 15 years older and at least 75 pounds heavier than any of the pictures he'd shared with me stood up and greeted me. (Red Flag #1). Now, let me be clear. It was not his age or his weight that bothered me, it was the deception. I was stunned and not sure quite how to react, so I defaulted to MN Nice and slid into the booth.
When we began ordering, he was clearly trying to impress me by being fussy about the kind of booze that went into his mixed drink. The bar did not have his first choice so he begrudgingly chose some other kind of vodka. I sat in silence as this played out, but I wanted to point out to him that I am a social worker. I could care less what brand booze he drinks and I'm not impressed by this kind of junk. (Red Flag #2).
As we were eating, the waitress would approach and he would flirt with her. I honestly could care less since I already knew I was not interested in him, but it still seemed kind of a stupid move. He also would interrupt me and used the phrase "blah, blah, blah" about 40 million times in the conversation...mostly when alluding to something he thought might interest me. He also spoke at length about his ex-wife in a negative way. I mean, I get it. We were both divorced so obviously things didn't work out for either of us in the love department, but I found myself kind of feeling badly for her. (Red Flags #3, #4, #5).
This should have been enough, right? No. Not for this girl. After dinner, he suggested we go visit a corn maze. I wanted to decline. I should have declined. But...I wanted to be nice. So I went to a crowded corn maze filled with adorable families and awkwardly wandered through the maze with someone I did not like very much. I am 100% certain my body language was communicating how I felt loud and clear, but when we finally made it to our cars he went in for a kiss. I somehow contorted my body to avoid the kiss and we ended up with an awkward hug. I got into the car, burst into gales of laughter, and then called my best friends to let them know I was still alive but decidedly jaded by this experience.
I should never have gone on this date. I knew I was not really interested in this guy from the moment I started texting him. But, I was too nice. I need to let my gut trump my habit of being nice. Lesson learned (I hope).
Lesson #2: Proceed with Caution for the Sake of All
I went on several dates with two other gentlemen. They were super nice guys. Nicer than I probably deserved given how both of these "relationships" unfolded. We clicked online and on the telephone. They were kind, caring, sweet, and pretty respectful. I went on several dates with both of them and had a good time, however it quickly escalated beyond that with which I was comfortable. It became very clear to me rather quickly that they felt far stronger feelings for me than I could possibly return because I am pretty much an emotional wreck. I think I tried to communicate that, but not very successfully. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing doesn't go over well and I wanted to avoid hurting feelings as much as possible.
This all unfolded in the midst of a busy and rather emotionally charged month, so I honestly didn't have the time or energy to properly problem solve. By the end of this month, I collapsed on my couch and slept for what felt like three days straight. I woke up and realized that so much time had passed that I didn't know how to artfully discuss the status of these "relationships" without it being awkward. So...and I'm not proud of this...I ghosted. I know! I know! It's awful.
I should have been more assertive and clear with my feelings. I should have acknowledged that I was super afraid that I was getting into things too quickly and that I didn't yet have trust in myself to have the ability to discern who would be a good fit in my life. I have to admit that I also think there was this script playing in the back of my head that went something like, "If they are this nice to you, something is wrong because you obviously don't deserve this kindness." So...I made sure I didn't deserve any more kindness by behaving like a meanie. This was not true to who I am and I will be plagued with guilt about this for the rest of my life. Be true to one's self. Lesson learned.
Lesson #3: Lots of People are Just Awful
All those horror stories you've heard about online dating? They are true. They are real. I received messages from people whose screen names were, I suspect, the titles of their favorite adult films. I was invited to become "friends" with married couples. I had conversations with people who appeared to be normal people who within just a few messages invited me to participate in all sorts of craziness that I would never be interested in. Ever. I got virtual winks from men who were in their 70's and solicited for pictures of myself as an opening line. The volume of this pure awfulness was really just too much. Online dating is not for me. My tender heart is just not able to handle the knowledge that this kind of blatant ickiness is running so very rampant. I preferred blissful ignorance. Lesson learned.
The Bottom Line
There are a million other take aways from this experience, but this post is already a little too long. The bottom line is that I need to move more slowly, guard my heart and the hearts of potential partners more carefully, and allow the universe to send me potential partners rather than proactively trying to make it happen. I am lonely, but I am not desperate. Patience, it turns out, really is a virtue and while I would love to have a partner some day, I'm really okay with this all taking some time.
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