Here's to Happiness
It's been a while.
The truth is that I've been happy. Gloriously, amazingly, wondrously happy and I don't know how to write about that.
The big news for those of you who aren't connected with me on social media is that I'm "in a relationship" and it is Facebook official. Apparently, being Facebook official is a thing. I'd love to write about this, but I don't trust myself to do so without being ridiculous. New love is intoxicating and beautiful and gooey and oh-so-very saccharine. I just don't know how to write about this relationship status change without making everyone roll their eyes in unison and retch behind my back (or before their screen).
But, the happiness I feel is not tied to my relationship status...Facebook official or not. In fact, I was gloriously, amazingly, and wondrously happy before I met this guy. He's great and I love the "us" we are creating, but that is not what has made this moment right now so different from the moment that I wrote about almost two years ago.
Two years ago...actually even one year ago... I was lonely. I was devastatingly sad. I was overwhelmed and grieving and bereft. I was convinced that I was unloveable and unattractive and not at all someone that anyone would ever want to be connected to...as a friend, as a lover, or even as an acquaintance. I didn't trust anyone, really...no grown ups anyway. Writing about that emotional experience was cathartic and allowed me to feel, even momentarily, a little less lonely. You see, every time I shared these dark soul stories, people would write back. Sometimes with Facebook comments that everyone could see, but often in private messages or emails. I was not alone in my pain. I would not have wished that experience on anyone, but if we all had to be a mess, it was good to know that I was not alone in the muck.
And now... I'm mostly out of the muck. There are moments, of course. Self doubt and heartbreak are not easy to discard completely; tiny tendrils of both still scar my heart and infect my thoughts. However, their power is muted and I have learned how to quiet those ugly voices. I'm not so good with numbers or math; if I had to take an educated guess, I would say that I am gloriously, amazingly, and wondrously happy about 98% of the time. I am confident in ways I have not been in a long time...maybe ever in my life, really. I have the very best friends in the whole, wide, amazing world. I have gotten to do and see and experience so many beautiful moments in the past year. I am alive...fully alive...again. My life is now my most favorite thing in the world. In contrast, just one year ago, I kind of wanted this life to end.
This happiness is beautiful. And, I don't know how to write about that. I don't know how to share these things on this blog without hurting those who are still in the muck or have just wandered into the muck or have only ever known the muck.
You see, I remember seeing the posts my friends would post about their anniversaries, family gatherings, social engagements, and all of those joy-filled moments and I would feel like my heart was being squeezed in a vice grip. I can honestly say that I was happy for them, but the happiness was accompanied by its ugly emotional cousins: Envy, Sadness, and Loneliness. I know the pain of seeing others having what appeared to be great, beautiful lives and feeling like I could never know that joy ever again. I don't ever want to be the source of that sort of pain for others, and yet...
I am happy. And that is a GOOD thing. It is miraculous, even.
Maybe my friends who are in the muck will see the current chapter in my story and feel happy for me. They will also likely feel envy, and sadness, and loneliness. I think another emotion can be invited to this party, though. I think that my happiness also invites Hope to the table. If I can survive my version of my very worst thing, you can can too. I promise that I will wade into that muck with you and hold your hand and hold you up and tell you what I think is the shortest path to the other side. I will bring my happy with me because that happy is brimming full of hope and we will get through that muck together.
But, I can't not be happy and I don't want to pretend to be anything but happy. I want to write and probably what I write about will be happy a lot of the time.
I hope that's okay. I hope you know my heart. I hope you know that when I share my happy it is because I'm inviting you to find yours, not to make you feel like yours will be ever elusive.
So, here's to happiness... Mine and Yours.
I love you.
The truth is that I've been happy. Gloriously, amazingly, wondrously happy and I don't know how to write about that.
The big news for those of you who aren't connected with me on social media is that I'm "in a relationship" and it is Facebook official. Apparently, being Facebook official is a thing. I'd love to write about this, but I don't trust myself to do so without being ridiculous. New love is intoxicating and beautiful and gooey and oh-so-very saccharine. I just don't know how to write about this relationship status change without making everyone roll their eyes in unison and retch behind my back (or before their screen).
But, the happiness I feel is not tied to my relationship status...Facebook official or not. In fact, I was gloriously, amazingly, and wondrously happy before I met this guy. He's great and I love the "us" we are creating, but that is not what has made this moment right now so different from the moment that I wrote about almost two years ago.
Two years ago...actually even one year ago... I was lonely. I was devastatingly sad. I was overwhelmed and grieving and bereft. I was convinced that I was unloveable and unattractive and not at all someone that anyone would ever want to be connected to...as a friend, as a lover, or even as an acquaintance. I didn't trust anyone, really...no grown ups anyway. Writing about that emotional experience was cathartic and allowed me to feel, even momentarily, a little less lonely. You see, every time I shared these dark soul stories, people would write back. Sometimes with Facebook comments that everyone could see, but often in private messages or emails. I was not alone in my pain. I would not have wished that experience on anyone, but if we all had to be a mess, it was good to know that I was not alone in the muck.
And now... I'm mostly out of the muck. There are moments, of course. Self doubt and heartbreak are not easy to discard completely; tiny tendrils of both still scar my heart and infect my thoughts. However, their power is muted and I have learned how to quiet those ugly voices. I'm not so good with numbers or math; if I had to take an educated guess, I would say that I am gloriously, amazingly, and wondrously happy about 98% of the time. I am confident in ways I have not been in a long time...maybe ever in my life, really. I have the very best friends in the whole, wide, amazing world. I have gotten to do and see and experience so many beautiful moments in the past year. I am alive...fully alive...again. My life is now my most favorite thing in the world. In contrast, just one year ago, I kind of wanted this life to end.
This happiness is beautiful. And, I don't know how to write about that. I don't know how to share these things on this blog without hurting those who are still in the muck or have just wandered into the muck or have only ever known the muck.
You see, I remember seeing the posts my friends would post about their anniversaries, family gatherings, social engagements, and all of those joy-filled moments and I would feel like my heart was being squeezed in a vice grip. I can honestly say that I was happy for them, but the happiness was accompanied by its ugly emotional cousins: Envy, Sadness, and Loneliness. I know the pain of seeing others having what appeared to be great, beautiful lives and feeling like I could never know that joy ever again. I don't ever want to be the source of that sort of pain for others, and yet...
I am happy. And that is a GOOD thing. It is miraculous, even.
Maybe my friends who are in the muck will see the current chapter in my story and feel happy for me. They will also likely feel envy, and sadness, and loneliness. I think another emotion can be invited to this party, though. I think that my happiness also invites Hope to the table. If I can survive my version of my very worst thing, you can can too. I promise that I will wade into that muck with you and hold your hand and hold you up and tell you what I think is the shortest path to the other side. I will bring my happy with me because that happy is brimming full of hope and we will get through that muck together.
But, I can't not be happy and I don't want to pretend to be anything but happy. I want to write and probably what I write about will be happy a lot of the time.
I hope that's okay. I hope you know my heart. I hope you know that when I share my happy it is because I'm inviting you to find yours, not to make you feel like yours will be ever elusive.
So, here's to happiness... Mine and Yours.
I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment