#singlemomlife

Yesterday, I wrote about being happy.  Every word in that post was 100% true.

But....

It is also 100% true that even the most happy lives have pitfalls and challenges and obstacles.  My challenges lately have all been related to my single mom status.  I mean, I'm not technically single anymore, but the raising of these kids and the management of this household is pretty much almost 100% on my shoulders, so I feel like the title "single mom" still applies.

I have been an official single mom for approximately 9 months.  I knew it would be "different." I knew there would be difficulties.  I knew that I might struggle from time to time.  However, I think that I thought about single parenthood in the same way that I thought about childbirth before I actually experienced it.  I knew it would be unpleasant, but I didn't really understand how excruciatingly painful it would be to have my uterus contract over and over until it forced me to push a small human out of an even smaller opening in my body.

So, yes, I knew single parenthood would be hard.  And...  It. Is. Hard.  Really hard.  It is exhausting and overwhelming and I mostly suck at it most of the time.  Like, for real.  My sweet, kind friends will want to let me know how brave they think I am and how they admire me for how hard I work to keep things going.  These are all fancy and kind words to acknowledge that I do indeed suck, but that they love me anyway (Thanks, friends!).  So, I suck.  I suck so much it can be divided neatly into at least three categories of sucking.

Category #1: Things I suck at that I didn't even know were a thing when I was married.

When I was married, I often told my girlfriends that I "literally did everything" to keep that house running.  While it did often feel as though I did most of the things, now that I'm not married I know how stupid I was to say that.  In fact, I feel like I owe my former spouse a big fat apology for even thinking that I "literally did everything." This category includes things like:

• changing the furnace filter
• scooping the litter box
• remembering to get oil changes (crap...I forgot to get that scheduled)
• emptying the dehumidifier
• other things that I probably still don't know are things that are sure to cause a problem at some time down the road.

Category #2: Things I sucked at before I was married that I now manage to suck at even more post-Divorce

We all bring strengths to our relationships.  The flip-side of that is that we also bring challenges or weaknesses into relationships.  For almost twenty years, I had a person who followed behind me and cleaned up the messes that I made from forgetfulness, flightiness, inattention, and a propensity for taking on way more than any one person can do.  Now that I am mostly flying solo in managing the day to day, nitty gritty, I recognize how much I took for granted things like cupboard doors that are closed, keys that get put away, gas tanks getting filled, and the stress that comes from over-scheduled calendars getting calmed.

My marriage needed to end.  It really did.  I think now that we have all come through the worst of the worst in this transition, most people can see that separating was really the very best decision...hopefully for both of us.  I can know this and still also know how very compatible we were in many ways.   I think I brought some good things to the table, but I definitely leaned on him to compensate for my relative suckiness. I would forget to close cupboard doors and he would quietly close them behind me.  I lost my keys on the daily and he would find them and hang them on the hook designed to hold them when not in use.  I would forget to fill up the gas and he would remind me to stop on my way out of town or go fill it for me.  I would lose my mind with being overwhelmed and he would say the right things to make me less stressed.  

Now?  Cupboard doors stay open...forever, it seems.  My keys are never where they are supposed to be.  Where is that even?  I don't know.   I currently have a car in my driveway that is probably two gasps away from being completely out of gas.  I've driven it three times this evening to fetch kids and I have forgotten to fill the tank each and every time. And the over-scheduled calendar?  It's still a thing and while I do now have a person to vent to, our relationship is young so I have to be more pretty with my overwhelmed explosions of feeling.  

I could go on and on. I really like myself, but there are things I know I'm just not good at.  I still am not good at those things and I've managed to get even worse at them post-divorce.

Category #3: Things I used to be good at that I now suck at

It is not fun to suck at things, but at least the first two categories can be rationalized away over a bottle of wine while talking with friends.  I mean, I can't be blamed for sucking at things I didn't know were things or sucking at things I previously sucked at.  I mean, obviously there is room for growth, but I can accept these two categories.  This last category?  Oh, man....  This one has made me enjoy a big, old slice of humble pie on so many occasions.  If I were on a peg, I've been knocked down several....multiple times.  In fact, I suck so much I have lost the pegs and I'm just lying in a heap on the floor next to my kids' jackets that they refuse to hang up.  

I used to be pretty good at organizing things and keeping my little world mostly in order.  People would ask me to volunteer for stuff and know that I would make it happen.  I have been a girl scout leader, sunday school teacher, pot luck contributer, and car-pooler.  I knew when all the things were happening and I could pull together a mean spreadsheet to make sure that all the kids in my world, not just the ones I birthed, had rides to their various activities.  I had a folder that held the papers with rehearsal times and items requested.  I was done school shopping in the second week of August and done Christmas shopping by mid-November.  I planned meals and made lists and organized closets.  

I rocked at that stuff.  

Now, I have no idea when things are happening.  I text my friends to ask them if they know when I'm supposed to get someone to their event.  I have come to dread girl scouts because I never remembered to plan the activity until it was too late and I really, really, really sucked at the freaking cookie sale.  Okay, I always sucked at that, but this year I just sucked at scouting in general.  I have forgotten that I need to make a dish for pot lucks and one time I accidentally brought my pasta dish to a pasta feed an hour late.  The kids were done eating by the time I made my delivery.  I am pretty sure we mostly used last year's school supplies and I didn't even start Christmas shopping until December 22 this year.  In short, I now feel like I'm 1,000 steps behind everyone else and I am constantly apologizing for forgetting, mistaking, and omitting this or that or the other thing.  

I suck.

Only...I've learned that it's okay.  I mean, it's mostly okay.  I feel badly that sometimes I inconvenience others with my forgetfulness and flightiness and, well, suckiness.  But, my kids are loved. They. Are. Loved.  I feed them everyday... sometimes it is three meals of breakfast cereal, but still...  Food goes into their bellies.  We mostly get to the things they need to attend and we are mostly only a teensy bit late most of the time.  We are surrounded by good people who forgive me for my errors and who help me fill the gaps my suckiness causes from time to time.  We are happy. We are so happy.  We laugh every day.  

I am happy. I am so happy.

I suck and I am happy.  

Who'd have thought that would be my life story?  

Finally, to all my single mom friends out there...  Solidarity, sisters.  We may suck, but we are still pushing on.  Somehow we will raise these humans to adulthood and then we can raise our glasses to their resilience and our success despite our suckiness.  

I love you.