A Question of Discernment

I have a deep, dark secret that will likely alienate me from many who read this.  When reading a book, I almost always skip to the end before reading the book in its entirety.  The stress of not knowing what will happen is just too distracting.  I find that if I know how it ends, I can enjoy the story better because I'm not worrying or guessing about the resolution. I know, I know...  This breaks the cardinal rule of reading for pleasure, but I don't even care a little bit.  I like to know what's coming.

Before you judge me, I want you to really think about this.  I mean...  don't we all want to know how it's all going to end up?  Okay, fine...  I'm sure some of you are these super zen people who can just be all, "what will be will be" about life.  You people are my heroes, but I am just not quite able to be that laid back.  I have spent my life making lists, making plans and schedules, and monitoring every thing I possibly could so that I could feel I had some control over how this will all turn out.  Only, that's not how life works.  Despite all of my efforts, I am now more uncertain than ever about what my life will look like in the future.  I hate that.

For the past several years, I have been a seeker in self understanding and self actualization.  I've read countless books and blogs on the topic.  I've contemplated and planned and prayed - all in an attempt to figure myself out and feel comfortable in my own skin.  In that search, I became acquainted with the work of Brene Brown (well before Oprah found her, by the way).  She has built her career on studying shame and through her work has come to understand something she calls Living Wholeheartedly.  I'm not going to give a book report now, but the big takeaway I've gotten from reading Brown's work is the fundamental need we all have for connection.  In her TED Talk, she argues that in order to have a real, true relationship, you have to be willing to take a leap of faith without any guarantees.  So...you don't get to read the ending first.  Dang.

I believe her when she says this, but I really didn't want to.  I spent more hours than I should have wrestling with this idea.  I even flirted with the idea of switching camps completely and reserving trust for virtually no one.  But, in the end, as attractive as that idea seemed initially, I am truly who I am and living a life defined by distrust is just not the life for me.  I want to trust people...or at least someone.  And I want to be trusted by others.  So, I know the divine Ms. Brown is correct, but it doesn't make it any less scary.

What it boils down to is that right now I don't trust myself.  I know that to live wholeheartedly I need to have connections and to have those connections I need to bare my soul.  However, I don't think my friend Brene (I think I can call her my friend at this point) meant to be vulnerable with just anyone.  So, really, it becomes a question of discernment.  How do you know when it is a safe risk?  How do you know when a person is someone you can trust to honor the gift of your vulnerability?  And really, none of us are perfect.  I'm sure I've hurt countless people in innumerable ways while making my way through life.  I've been hurt by people I love.  After you've taken the risk and given the gift of your vulnerability and been hurt, how do you know when it's safe to make that investment again?  I believe in forgiveness. I do.  Wholeheartedly.  But I still want to know how it will all end.  I want to skip to the final chapters of my life and know that if my story takes a particular turn, it will end up all right.  And so, I'm stuck.

I feel like there is some expectation in the land of blog-dom that readers will leave these posts with some sort of resolution.  So many of the authors and writers I admire have this ability to tackle tough topics and leave their readers with hope and direction. As we all know, by this point, I'm a girl who likes to know what her ending is going to be, so I'm just as disappointed as anyone else that I have nothing close to an answer to these questions.  All I have left is to pray...which I know sounds lame, maybe.  But it's all I've got, so pray I will.  I pray that I will be able to trust myself again and feel confident in the decisions I make especially when it comes to gifting others with my vulnerability.  I pray that anyone else out there facing similar struggles will also come to trust and believe in themselves too.

Hopefully yours,


Sara Renee