Living Beyond Parentheses

"It had always seemed to Emily, ever since she could remember, that she was very, very near to a world of wonderful beauty.  Between it and herself hung only a thin curtain; she could never draw the curtain aside -- but sometimes, just for a moment, a wind fluttered and then it was as if she caught a glimpse of the enchanting realm beyond -- only a glimpse -- and heard a note of unearthly music." 
~ L.M. Montgomery, Emily of New Moon

There are a few things that give me indescribable thrills.  Actually, there are more than a few things because I am wired to feel just about everything deeply.  A few of the things that thrill my soul include....

finding the first spring crocuses beginning to bloom, 
     receiving the first dandelion bouquet of the season, 
          lying under an old tree while watching the light filter through the fluttering leaves, 
               breathing in a deep breath of cool spring air while trudging along a muddy path                                         through the woods, 
                    listening to just the right song at just the right moment, 
                         tasting something that was clearly prepared by experienced, intelligent, and                                               joyful hands, and....  
                              reading poetry.  

One of the first times I experienced one of those soul stirring thrills while reading poetry was when I read the work of e.e. cummings.  I was a high school student and I don't think I even really knew exactly what e.e. cummings was saying; reading poetry is really hard.  But, the best poems, in my opinion, don't require you to "get it" right away.  Since I'm not actually a poet myself (gosh, do I wish...), it's hard for me to describe what it feels like to respond to a poem deep within my soul.  What I do know is that in those moments, there is this sort of vibration deep within my being that fills my entire body with overwhelming goodness.  It's so beautiful, it aches.  One of my very favorite poems is this one...

I read this for the first time and had no idea what it even meant, but I knew - I just knew - that it fulfilled some sort of spiritual yearning I had deep within me.  Now that I know what it's about, it has come to serve as a sort of inspiration point for how I want to live my life.

Basically, e.e. cummings is saying that it's okay to color outside the lines.  If you spend too much time worrying about the rules (syntax) and rely too much on logic to make decisions, you are not really going to live a full life.  He's giving us permission to be a little foolish and to live in the moment instead of worrying so much about what will come next.  

I get teased a lot...and I mean a lot...by my reliance on and preoccupation with feeeeeeeeeelings.  But the truth is, that I actually really, really, really stink at mindfulness.  I have feelings.  Lots of them.  Those who know me well outside of this blog are all rolling their eyes and sighing an exasperated, "Duh...."  However, just because I have all of the feelings doesn't mean I always listen to them.  In fact, my messed up brain gets in the way all of the time.  At this very moment in my life, I am absolutely paralyzed by a preoccupation with the "what ifs" the "shoulds" and the question marks.  My heart is telling me something, but the logic is getting in the way so much that I'm not even sure what it is my heart is trying to say.  

#lifegoals

When I visualize the life I want to have and the legacy I wish to leave behind, it is truly captured by the last four lines in this poem.  What cummings is trying to say, I think, is that you have to let go of the worry, anxiety, and logic at least some of the time.  Sometimes, you just go with what feels right.  When he says that "life is not a paragraph" and "death is not a parenthesis," he's saying that when we live our lives mindfully and follow our gut, we leave behind something greater than ourselves.  When my girls remember me, I don't want them to think about a woman who was bound by rigid rules and who lived a life within the lines imposed by some other.  I want them to remember a woman who wasn't afraid to take risks and follow her heart.

That is all well and good, but I've already mentioned that I stink...really stink...at mindfulness.  I never trust myself.  I trust just about everyone else on this planet except myself.  Even though my messed up brain tortures me on a daily basis, it is really scary to consider the alternative.  To really and truly live a life not defined by parentheses, one has to have a level of courage and trust in one's self that I do not currently possess.  

Taking the First Step

I took one of those first steps toward that new, brave life this week.  I called a therapist and made that first initial appointment.  I've tried therapy before.  When I was in grad school, I was pushed to the brink of sanity and went to two sessions with a therapist who was good and kind, but I was not ready.  This summer, through some wonderful connections, I was gifted some free sessions at a local agency to help me work through the initial stages of a horrible crisis.  Again, the therapist was good and kind, but I was truly in survival mode and working toward self-actualization was not something I was even remotely ready for in those moments.  Now that I am ready (I think...), I don't know if I quite connected with him in a way that would allow me to take the risks I need to take.

I was given the name of a therapist several weeks ago. The person making the recommendation told me that this person is a great fit for me.  She will be able to help me write a life story without unnecessary punctuation.  I put off that call a long time and entered the digits to her phone number several times, only to abandon the call more times than I can count.  I am a clinical social worker and I was absolutely terrified to sign myself up for therapy.  The thing is, I wasn't reluctant to make that call because I didn't think therapy could work.  I was reluctant because I knew it could work and that is absolutely terrifying.  So here's to taking the scary steps toward a life story that defies conventional rules.  What steps will you take toward living a life beyond parentheses?