My Silver Lining

All across the land, educators who blog are composing introspective, "end of the school year" blog posts. They will reflect upon mistakes made, lessons learned, victories earned.  They will remember each sweet smile and all the priceless "aha moments" they managed to inspire their students to experience. For me, this reflection is also one with a personal element as the very worst year of my life has recently concluded.  At least I hope it will be the worst year of my life. 

In May of last year, my world was turned upside down and in the span of just a few short months, everything that seemed stable and true became exactly the opposite.  By the end of the summer that wasn't, I learned that I would be transferred to a different position, in a different school, serving a completely different student population, with different co-workers all while dealing with all sorts of changes and upheavals and awfulness in my personal life.  I was absolutely not thrilled with this transfer.  In fact, I felt a great deal of bitterness and resentment when this change was first proposed. I wanted at least one thing to remain the same in my imploding life.  

I have ever so many failures and weaknesses and annoying quirks, but being a whiner is not one of them.  I have never taken the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" approach in working with my students or clients.  However, in my own life, my bootstraps have been pulled often and with determination.  I took a couple of days to mourn yet one other loss and then hunkered down to figure out how to be the best damn elementary school social worker I could be.  With less than a month to work with, I packed my belongings, traded my sarcastic postcards and posters for cute borders and lego sets, and set up shop in a school filled with people I knew only by name and reputation.  And, Lord have mercy, was I ever afraid.  

I have no idea when it happened....when the lightbulb switched on and began to glow with beauty, intensity, and welcome light...but it did.  And suddenly, I found myself falling in love with my students, my colleagues, and this amazing work.  Those sweet, cherubic faces that were quick to light up with delight, eager to try new things, and so generous with love and affection were the balm my very wounded heart needed.  I also realized with astonishment that I had been burnt out and stretched thin for a very long time and had absolutely no idea.  I had poured nearly every drop of my soul into my work for a very long time and I was depleted.  This new work gave me hope and energy that I had been missing for a while.  I no longer dreaded Monday, instead I was eager to get back to work.  I felt productive, efficient, and appreciated.  Let me be clear, I did good work in my previous position, but at a great deal of personal expense.  Things had been off kilter and out of balance for some time.  Somehow, however, in the midst of the greatest tragedy of my life to date, I was achieving a work-life balance that I had never been able to master before in my career.  

And my colleagues.  Oh, my colleagues.  I got along fine with people in my previous building.  I liked all of them.  I think many of them liked me.  Hopefully most of them still like me.  (I like to be liked, you see).  But I had never fit in, really.   I had a few people who I considered to be my people, but most of the time, I felt like a loner.  I wasn't part of the inside jokes or invited to the work parties.  I write these words with zero bitterness.  It wasn't personal.  I just didn't fit and that's okay. 

I am a huge fan of Brene Brown and in one of her books she discusses the difference between "fitting in" and "belonging."  She writes,

"One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.  Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are."  

At Fairview School, I don't have to work hard to fit in, I just belong.  I don't know how or why this happened.  They had so much awesome floating around in that school, they didn't need to make room for me.  But they did with open hearts and minds and sometimes even arms.  They just didn't make room for me at the table, they pulled up the best chair, put a beautiful cushion on it, and used the best china.  I found my tribe.

I have spent so many hours mourning the many losses I have experienced in the past 12 months.  Tears stream down my face as I type these words because the pain is still just under the surface.  I am sad.  Every day.  Every damn day, I am sad.  However, even this expansive rain cloud has a beautiful silver lining.  I have lost a lot, but I have gained much as well.  

Words cannot adequately express the thankfulness I have in my heart for the many, many people who have given me strength when I thought I had none, encouraged me when I had lost nearly all hope, and who helped me find the joy that is always, always dancing around in this world.  There are so many people - strangers who took time to share words of encouragement, old friends who have my back no matter what, former colleagues who have wished me well and keep me in a little bit of the loop, and former students who have gone out of their way to let me know they care - and they all deserve thanks.  However, this post goes out to my new colleagues, many of whom have become dear friends. There is no way I could have managed this year without you.  I adore you.  I cannot wait until next school year when we can change the world one sweet little learner at a time.

Thank God for silver linings.