On Learning to be Mary in a Martha World

One of my very favorite stories from the Bible is a story of two sisters who were pretty good buddies with Jesus.  It's funny that this is one of my favorite stories because it actually gets me a little mad and, if I'm honest, kind of frustrated with Jesus.  So, the story is that Jesus is hanging out at Martha and Mary's house that they share with their brother Lazarus.  It doesn't say this in the Bible, but I imagine that because Jesus was basically the One Direction of his time, a bunch of his groupies were showing up at their place to catch a glimpse of him, touch his robe, listen to him speak, and even benefit from a miracle or two.  In any event, Martha is in a bit of a tizzy in this story.  She's buzzing around trying to keep the house clean (without the benefit of a Roomba or even electricity, I might add), making sure everyone has something to eat, and  basically taking care of everyone that's at her house.  I mean, the guest of honor is Jesus.  You can't just throw hot dogs on the grill and call it good if Jesus is coming to dinner, am I right?

So, Martha is running around trying to get everything done and her sister is sitting at Jesus' feet just listening to him speak.  We all know this scene, right?  There's always *someone* who just sits around visiting while you do all the work to make the party awesome.  Well, Martha gets fed up with this and she basically says to Jesus, "Dude, I'm losing my mind here!  There is a lot to do to feed all of your groupies and here is my sister just sitting around listening to you.  Tell her to help me."  That seems like a pretty reasonable request to me, but Jesus tells Martha to cool her jets and praises Mary's choice to sit around and not work.  What the what, Jesus?!?!

I have always identified with Martha.  I'm always the girl running around making sure things are settled and I am rarely, if ever, the adoring fan soaking up all the awesomeness of the guest of honor.  I've always taken a bit of pride in being someone who can get the shiznit done.  I have filled my days with girl scout meetings, sunday school lessons, playdates, activities for my kids, etc., etc., etc.   If you have a project at work, I will do it.  I might ask a few questions...see this blog post for more on that...but I get stuff done.  I am the busiest doer you know.

Most of the time, I don't mind being that girl.  I like to do things.  I pretty much stink at small talk and other social niceties, so I like the excuse from social interaction that comes with doing the work.  In addition, our culture celebrates Martha-ness.  We do, do, do until we think we can't do more...and then we actually do more. It's easy to be caught up in Martha-ness when that's what we see all around us.  However, sometimes, I look at the Marys of the world and I envy them.  If I'm honest, I have to admit that I also feel some resentment.  I want to be the person who can just plop down in the middle of the chaos and just be.  So you can see why I might have had a bone to pick with Jesus on this one, right?

Except that's not what the story is really about, is it?  I've been sitting here getting all mad at Jesus when really I should have taken a closer look at the story.  Jesus isn't saying the shiznit shouldn't get done.  Jesus got the shiznit done all the time...they don't call him the Redeemer for nothing, after all.  There is a time and a place for doing stuff, even if we can't ultimately save mankind from themselves.  The problem is that I often forget that the act of doing is not the only answer to whatever problems I am facing.  Sometimes it's the answer, but most of my life it has been my only answer.  Sometimes I jump into the doing just to get it all over with and I don't really think about whether or not that doing is really going to be helpful in the end.  Sometimes I just do because not doing is scary.

I recently wrote about how freaking sad I am.  Every dang day, I am so very sad.  It stinks.  In true Sara fashion, I have been trying to figure out what to do about that.  I make plans, I make lists, I put on the happy face.  I do, I do, I do.  It's all a great distraction from the real issues.  However, the sadness always sneaks up on me as it is wont to do and before I know it, I'm walking down the streets of Cambridge with tears streaming down my face and sobs stuck in my throat (Hey, Cambridge folk...I'm okay, really.  Sorry if you've been concerned at the sight of the crying, walking lady).

I shared all of this with my therapist and she gave me the answer that this Martha did not want to hear.  I need to channel my inner Mary and just be.  She encouraged me to start to practice meditation and opined that "if you allow yourself to be still, the answers will reveal themselves to you."  In all honesty, when she said those words, I nodded my head all while my inner doer was pushing back.  What do you mean the answers will just reveal themselves?  Don't I have to DO something in order for that to happen?  Then, I went home and spent a little time with my friend Brene Brown and this is what I read about doing:


"When we just want to get the decision-making over with, it's a good idea to ask ourselves whether we simply can't stand the vulnerability of being still enough to think it through and make a mindful decision."
Um, okay, Universe.  I'm starting to get it.  I kept reading and encountered this nugget of awesomeness:
"Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith, and reason."
Fine.  I.get.it.  Time to get down with stillness and figure out how to just be.  Dang it.

So, I gave it a try.  I went for a walk/run.  I have this routine where I walk two miles, run two miles, and then walk another two miles.  I wind up crying during the first two miles.  I walk and I think and then I cry.  Every.dang.time.  And then when it's time to run, I just run as hard as I can so that I can just get it all out of my system.  By the time I'm done running, I'm done crying and my  last two miles are fairly peaceful.  This seemed like the best way to get in the right frame of mind to embrace stillness.

I did the routine of walk/cry, run/purge, walk/be.  When I got home, I checked in with all of my people and told them that I needed just a few more minutes to myself.  Moms all over the world know that when you inform your little (and semi-little) people that you need time to yourself this will then remind them of all of the things they need to tell you about.  It does not matter that they ignored you all day long and responded to your questions about their inner-most thoughts with one word answers. As soon as you are going to do something quiet and solitary, they come crawling out of the corners and demand attention. Knowing this, I waited in my room for a few minutes to field the last minute requests for my time and attention and then shooed them out.  Prepping for stillness is a lot of work, y'all.

I knew that I was not capable of just sitting in silence and mindfully noticing my thoughts float in and out of my consciousness.  I'm a very long, long way from that level of Zen-ness.  So, I found a guided meditation through the powers of Google, settled myself comfortably on my bed, and closed my eyes and immediately discovered how very bad at *just being* I am.  My mind wandered and demanded to settle into any moment other than the present.  With each deviation from mindfulness, I found myself engaging in a little inner dialogue that sounded like this: "You can't even just sit here and be.  What is wrong with you?"  Yeah...I'm super good at this, right?

And then, somehow, I took a deep breath and settled into the stillness.  All I heard and noticed was the gentle voice of the woman on the recording.  My muscles relaxed and I cried.  I cried and I cried and I cried.  Dang it, you guys.  I really cried.  The stillness answered me and told me that I just get to be sad right now.  I *need* to be sad right now.  I need to grieve.  I need to lean into that feeling, let it be, and know and trust that I will get to the other side.

Stillness is hard. Even still, I believe it's got to be part of the journey.  The answers will come.  I need to trust in myself and in Jesus to know that I can't Martha my way through this.

So here goes my best attempt at being Mary in a very Martha world.

There is no purpose to this picture other than I wanted to have something show up when I posted links to this blog post.
Plus, it seems serene.

Comments

  1. Which meditation recording are you listening to, Sara? I have a yoga DVD that ends with a meditation section if you are ever interested in borrowing it. Keep it up! It takes a lot of courage to listen and be still. Prayers for peace are going your way.

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