Getting It Right For Just One Day
Almost 15 years ago, I became a mom. Like nearly every mom who ever lived since the beginning of time, I held that precious baby in my arms, looked into her sweet face, and made a silent, unspoken promise to do my best to get it right. By "it" I mean this whole motherhood thing where you nurture and guide little people so they can become good, decent, kind, loving humans who can make a living and also do their own laundry. No big deal, right?
For the past 15 years, I have worked hard to do motherhood right because we should but also because I am me and I try to do everything as right as can be. Most of the time, I've done a pretty okay job. My kids are strong students (probably genetics more than anything), have a general reputation for being sweet kids, and are, I think, regarded as pretty good, decent kids. I'd like to think that some of what I've done as a mother has allowed that to happen.
In the past how ever many months, I've been an okay mom. I've done the basics - fed, clothed, housed, and transported them. I was still able to feign interest in Minecraft and listen to long stories about tv shows and youtube videos. I've taken them to the pool. I've played board games and admired finished craft projects and baked homemade hamburger buns. These kids are not neglected or impoverished, but I have not been the mom they have known their whole lives up until about 12 months ago. I've been sort of, kind of, not quite checked out. They've spent too much time on devices and too little time just being with me. I'd beat myself up for that, but I'm reading this book on self compassion, so....
On Thursday night, I was lying in my bed with my littlest girl reading a book about a very thoughtful gorilla and she gave me a little gift and a much needed kick in the pants. She cuddled up to me and snuggled into my arms and said, "I love when you read to me."
She is 9 years old and a strong reader. She does not need me to read to her. She could read that book to herself for hours and often she does just that. The reading was not what was important. She was telling me in the sweetest way possible that she liked those moments of connection where we laugh at the same things, do the same activities together, and just be with one another. She needs connection. She needs everyday memories. She needs her mom. Got it.
I woke up on Friday morning with a goal to be checked in and to, at least for that one day, get mothering really right. My eldest daughter was busy with summer skiing until 10 a.m. When I returned home with her in tow, we haphazardly and somewhat spontaneously prepared for an afternoon at the Como Zoo in St. Paul. They ate something edible that they rustled up from our nearly empty pantry and I remembered to pack some sunblock. We all put on shoes that prioritized function over fashion and then loaded up into the Honda Pilot for some F.U.N.
One of the biggest drains on my emotional well-being this summer has been the constant bickering between these three humans I created. They fight about every.thing. All.the.time. There have been very few car rides that have not had fights and tiffs as their soundtrack. They have even upped the ante and brought their animosity to public places and during visits with friends. I have struggled to know how to respond because nothing I've done so far has seemed to work.
Our car ride to St. Paul was fight free. It was lovely. We listened to music, we laughed together, and we speculated about which animals would be active while we are at the zoo. Once we arrived, they helped me scout out a parking spot and we walked through the sprawling green spaces to find the zoo. We even found the frog pond that holds special memories for me from my own childhood.
Once we got into the zoo, I was struck by how much fun and more pleasant it is to go to the zoo with older children. I didn't have a stroller to deal with, no one got cranky because they didn't have their nap, and no one threw fits when I said "no" to the too expensive ice cream treats or to the overpriced carnival rides. We were also able to really observe and appreciate the animals. The girls humored me as I spent far too long just quietly watching the gorillas eat grass and look at all of us with disdain. They read information about the animals and commented on the new things they learned. They laughed at the orangutans behaving in their silly, orangutan ways. They even admired the less exciting animals like the Dall Sheep who often seem to get unnoticed and ignored in favor of the more flashy giraffes and lions.
In the past, I would have skipped the Conservatory because they would have wanted to run through it and get bored too quickly, but yesterday we ventured into the glass building. We had fun finding real oranges and limes growing on real live trees. We admired the bonsai trees and marveled at the dedication and discipline it's taken to cultivate those pieces of living art. We wandered through the Japanese Garden (my FAVORITE!) and they allowed me to have moments of quiet introspection as they wandered on ahead.
Yesterday was a great day and the best part is that the activity itself was fairly simple and sweet and unassuming. These days it feels like in order to give your child a real childhood, you have to take them on exotic trips and pay for expensive camps and buy them all sorts of things. It was refreshing to have a day that was really quite inexpensive and simple be one of the best days we've had in a very long time. It was fun to have butterflies land on our heads and watch Middle Daughter become unsettled by the "scary" butterflies flying around her. It was fun to watch the flamingos do all sorts of grooming to their beautiful coral feathers all while standing on one leg. It was sweet to watch a mother duck tend to her adventurous ducklings and not lose her ever loving mind. But the best part was really just being plugged in to one another and absolutely checked into those moments.
Yesterday, I did this mothering thing right. And that felt good.
For the past 15 years, I have worked hard to do motherhood right because we should but also because I am me and I try to do everything as right as can be. Most of the time, I've done a pretty okay job. My kids are strong students (probably genetics more than anything), have a general reputation for being sweet kids, and are, I think, regarded as pretty good, decent kids. I'd like to think that some of what I've done as a mother has allowed that to happen.
In the past how ever many months, I've been an okay mom. I've done the basics - fed, clothed, housed, and transported them. I was still able to feign interest in Minecraft and listen to long stories about tv shows and youtube videos. I've taken them to the pool. I've played board games and admired finished craft projects and baked homemade hamburger buns. These kids are not neglected or impoverished, but I have not been the mom they have known their whole lives up until about 12 months ago. I've been sort of, kind of, not quite checked out. They've spent too much time on devices and too little time just being with me. I'd beat myself up for that, but I'm reading this book on self compassion, so....
On Thursday night, I was lying in my bed with my littlest girl reading a book about a very thoughtful gorilla and she gave me a little gift and a much needed kick in the pants. She cuddled up to me and snuggled into my arms and said, "I love when you read to me."
She is 9 years old and a strong reader. She does not need me to read to her. She could read that book to herself for hours and often she does just that. The reading was not what was important. She was telling me in the sweetest way possible that she liked those moments of connection where we laugh at the same things, do the same activities together, and just be with one another. She needs connection. She needs everyday memories. She needs her mom. Got it.
I woke up on Friday morning with a goal to be checked in and to, at least for that one day, get mothering really right. My eldest daughter was busy with summer skiing until 10 a.m. When I returned home with her in tow, we haphazardly and somewhat spontaneously prepared for an afternoon at the Como Zoo in St. Paul. They ate something edible that they rustled up from our nearly empty pantry and I remembered to pack some sunblock. We all put on shoes that prioritized function over fashion and then loaded up into the Honda Pilot for some F.U.N.
One of the biggest drains on my emotional well-being this summer has been the constant bickering between these three humans I created. They fight about every.thing. All.the.time. There have been very few car rides that have not had fights and tiffs as their soundtrack. They have even upped the ante and brought their animosity to public places and during visits with friends. I have struggled to know how to respond because nothing I've done so far has seemed to work.
Our car ride to St. Paul was fight free. It was lovely. We listened to music, we laughed together, and we speculated about which animals would be active while we are at the zoo. Once we arrived, they helped me scout out a parking spot and we walked through the sprawling green spaces to find the zoo. We even found the frog pond that holds special memories for me from my own childhood.
Once we got into the zoo, I was struck by how much fun and more pleasant it is to go to the zoo with older children. I didn't have a stroller to deal with, no one got cranky because they didn't have their nap, and no one threw fits when I said "no" to the too expensive ice cream treats or to the overpriced carnival rides. We were also able to really observe and appreciate the animals. The girls humored me as I spent far too long just quietly watching the gorillas eat grass and look at all of us with disdain. They read information about the animals and commented on the new things they learned. They laughed at the orangutans behaving in their silly, orangutan ways. They even admired the less exciting animals like the Dall Sheep who often seem to get unnoticed and ignored in favor of the more flashy giraffes and lions.
In the past, I would have skipped the Conservatory because they would have wanted to run through it and get bored too quickly, but yesterday we ventured into the glass building. We had fun finding real oranges and limes growing on real live trees. We admired the bonsai trees and marveled at the dedication and discipline it's taken to cultivate those pieces of living art. We wandered through the Japanese Garden (my FAVORITE!) and they allowed me to have moments of quiet introspection as they wandered on ahead.
Yesterday was a great day and the best part is that the activity itself was fairly simple and sweet and unassuming. These days it feels like in order to give your child a real childhood, you have to take them on exotic trips and pay for expensive camps and buy them all sorts of things. It was refreshing to have a day that was really quite inexpensive and simple be one of the best days we've had in a very long time. It was fun to have butterflies land on our heads and watch Middle Daughter become unsettled by the "scary" butterflies flying around her. It was fun to watch the flamingos do all sorts of grooming to their beautiful coral feathers all while standing on one leg. It was sweet to watch a mother duck tend to her adventurous ducklings and not lose her ever loving mind. But the best part was really just being plugged in to one another and absolutely checked into those moments.
Yesterday, I did this mothering thing right. And that felt good.
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