This is Not an Apology
My daughter recently had a birthday party and one of her sweet little friends is a profuse apologizer; she apologizes for e.ver.y.thing. After she had apologized to me for the 15th time for something that was not even remotely an infraction, I told her she was forbidden to apologize to me for the rest of the party. She promptly apologized for apologizing and we both had a good laugh over that.
If I don't apologize, I make up for it with an unnecessary and often embarrassing over-explanation. For example, today I made a flip comment to a co-worker that I agonized over until I felt compelled to send an explanatory email that was unnecessary and embarrassed us both. And now I feel the urge to send a follow up apology e-mail for that awkwardness. The cycle is nothing but vicious, friends
The most ridiculous thing about those situations is that I am fully aware of how unnecessary, awkward, and downright annoying it is. I annoy myself as I speak the words. After they come out of my mouth or flow from my fingertips, I immediately look for the nearest rock to cower under or hole in which to fall. The e-mails are particularly hilarious. I will type them and say to myself, "You should not send this" and then hit send anyway. Why on earth???? I really do not know.
While I don't have any hard feelings about any of that necessarily, the dynamic between my biological parents and I was sometimes kind of tricky. For most kids, they take things like dental work and doctor appointments and class trips for granted, but for kids like me it required negotiations that rivaled the treaty process between Israel and Palestine. Divorce decrees would be cited, phone calls and letters would be exchanged, and extensive conversations took place to decide which parent was responsible to pay for XYZ. While "normal" kids could ask their parents for $20.00 to go to the mall, asking my dad for anything that was at all financial in nature was too much of a hassle to bother. When I did have to ask, such as when I was in college and had an allergic reaction to something and had to get medical care that was not covered by the California insurance plan I had through my dad, I would apologize and feel sheepish while making the request.
I really don't think that my parents intended for this to happen. In fact, I am sure that this was not at all what they wanted. There was no "good divorce" in those days. They didn't have mediators and collaborative divorce processes and parents probably had no idea how their decisions could impact their kids in the long run. Therapy and counseling were for rich people in the movies who would lie on couches, smoke cigarettes, and talk about their dreams. So, I really believe they did the best they could in the circumstances they were in. And honestly, every parent is going to do something that could potentially drive their kids into therapy someday. We are all just people and we all just have "stuff" and sometimes that "stuff" can get messy. My "stuff" (well, some of it anyway) is that I apologize. All the time. Don't worry, Mom and Dad! In the scheme of things, it could be so much worse!
I started the project going very strong and even managed to make it out doors most days even after going back to work following Winter Break. Then, I got a cold and MN went into a deep freeze and I have not been outside for the sole purpose of being outside in quite awhile. It's time to get back into the chilly groove.
Eating for Peace - A
I've been following the Whole30 and have made it to Day 12 with absolutely no cheats. If you're interested in learning more about this plan, check out their website. I also recommend the book The Whole30: The 30-day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom. This was the goal I was sure was going to be the most difficult, so I'm just as surprised as anyone else that I'm doing so well.
Read for Pleasure and Growth - B
I have been reading quite a bit and I might even write a couple book reviews for this blog. However, I "cheated" by purchasing a couple books for the Kindle app rather than reading the physical book (I was on a long wait list for the library and the Kindle version is cheaper!). I've also found myself perusing useless websites and trolling facebook and twitter when I could be reading. Even though the reading pace has quickened, there is definitely room for improvement.
Hydrate Responsibly - A
I have made about a million attempts to kick my addiction to caffeine and to Diet Coke through the years, so it's pretty exciting that I'm doing so well on this goal. I still have one cup of coffee a day, but that is purely out of necessity. A real grown up just can't start their day without some sort of shot of caffeine. But, the directive from the Whole30 to eliminate all sugar or its many substitutes has made more than that one cup of coffee really unattractive.
Meditate through Movement - D
My plan had been to practice yoga at least three times per week, but it just has not happened. I think that decreasing the caffeine intake so dramatically has made me super, super sleepy. I fall asleep by 9 p.m. most evenings and I really don't have time to get a good yoga session in before work. Doig a pre-work yoga routine would require getting up before 5 a.m. Ain't gonna happen. I'm still going to try to get this going, but, well... Since I can't apologize, it is what it is.
Journal with Gratitude - F
I have not done this. Not once. I want to, I really do, but it's just not happened. I don't even know why. I'll have to think about that one so I can figure out how to trouble shoot it better.
There you have it. The worst report card I have ever had in my entire life. And I'm not even going to apologize for it.
Hopefully yours,
Sara Renee
An Addiction to Apologizing
The even funnier thing about this is that I have an addiction to apologizing; I also apologize for e.ver.y.thing. I am positive that I apologize in pretty much every social interaction and if I don't apologize to your face, you can be sure you'll receive an apologetic text or e-mail. Back in the day of landlines, I would call a good friend's house to chat, set up a playdate, or vent about potty-training and every single time her husband would answer the phone, I would apologize. It sounded something like this: "Hey, Jake. I'm so sorry. Can I talk to Jen?" Every time. After about the 500th apology, Jake told me that if I apologized again I absolutely could not talk to Jen. I then apologized for apologizing. Hilarious.If I don't apologize, I make up for it with an unnecessary and often embarrassing over-explanation. For example, today I made a flip comment to a co-worker that I agonized over until I felt compelled to send an explanatory email that was unnecessary and embarrassed us both. And now I feel the urge to send a follow up apology e-mail for that awkwardness. The cycle is nothing but vicious, friends
The most ridiculous thing about those situations is that I am fully aware of how unnecessary, awkward, and downright annoying it is. I annoy myself as I speak the words. After they come out of my mouth or flow from my fingertips, I immediately look for the nearest rock to cower under or hole in which to fall. The e-mails are particularly hilarious. I will type them and say to myself, "You should not send this" and then hit send anyway. Why on earth???? I really do not know.
Except maybe I do know...
My parents divorced when I was only two years old, so I have no memory of them living together or of us living as a family. My dad was in the Navy and we apparently had lived in Virginia Beach, VA. After they split my mom came back home to Minnesota and my dad... well, I'm not exactly sure what happened after that. What I do know is that my dad has always lived somewhere very far away from me and the relationship I had with him consisted of postcards, a few random phone calls, and the very, very infrequent visit. I don't write that with a ton of negative emotion. It was just how it was. No one was a bad person, but for a whole host of reasons, that's just how it played out.While I don't have any hard feelings about any of that necessarily, the dynamic between my biological parents and I was sometimes kind of tricky. For most kids, they take things like dental work and doctor appointments and class trips for granted, but for kids like me it required negotiations that rivaled the treaty process between Israel and Palestine. Divorce decrees would be cited, phone calls and letters would be exchanged, and extensive conversations took place to decide which parent was responsible to pay for XYZ. While "normal" kids could ask their parents for $20.00 to go to the mall, asking my dad for anything that was at all financial in nature was too much of a hassle to bother. When I did have to ask, such as when I was in college and had an allergic reaction to something and had to get medical care that was not covered by the California insurance plan I had through my dad, I would apologize and feel sheepish while making the request.
I'm sorry. Do you want to be friends?
I spent my childhood feeling like I was a bother, a nuisance, a hassle, and an annoyance. My very existence made things complicated and, being a people pleaser, I felt a responsibility to apologize for that complication. Over my development, apologizing just became a part of how I did relationships. I apologized to the mailman for having to pick up my mail and to my boyfriend's roommates for having a glass of water. The words "I'm sorry" became my way to ask people for their friendship, to initiate conversations (or to end them), or to request collaboration or assistance at work. And every comment or decision I make feels like it needs be to justified or explained. Instead of just saying "No thanks" for the candy I'm offered, I launch into a lengthy description of my goal to "eat for peace." As I type this, I'm annoyed with myself all over again. How narcissistic do you have to be to believe that anyone cares why you made after school plans with your friend or declined a piece of chocolate? Ugh...I really don't think that my parents intended for this to happen. In fact, I am sure that this was not at all what they wanted. There was no "good divorce" in those days. They didn't have mediators and collaborative divorce processes and parents probably had no idea how their decisions could impact their kids in the long run. Therapy and counseling were for rich people in the movies who would lie on couches, smoke cigarettes, and talk about their dreams. So, I really believe they did the best they could in the circumstances they were in. And honestly, every parent is going to do something that could potentially drive their kids into therapy someday. We are all just people and we all just have "stuff" and sometimes that "stuff" can get messy. My "stuff" (well, some of it anyway) is that I apologize. All the time. Don't worry, Mom and Dad! In the scheme of things, it could be so much worse!
Not an Apology
Project Norway started out as a plan to figure myself out and to engage in some meaningful self care. The danger in having plans like this is that sometimes life happens or plans just don't go the way you think they will. Putting yourself out there in a semi-public way makes it even more difficult to stumble. But, if Project Norway is really going to be about meaningful self care, I need to love myself through every hill and valley on the journey. What follows is an update on how things are going. Even though things have not gone according to plan, I am not going to apologize or engage in self-deprecating humor. This is going to be hard.Project Norway Report Card
Fresh Air Every day - D-I started the project going very strong and even managed to make it out doors most days even after going back to work following Winter Break. Then, I got a cold and MN went into a deep freeze and I have not been outside for the sole purpose of being outside in quite awhile. It's time to get back into the chilly groove.
Eating for Peace - A
I've been following the Whole30 and have made it to Day 12 with absolutely no cheats. If you're interested in learning more about this plan, check out their website. I also recommend the book The Whole30: The 30-day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom. This was the goal I was sure was going to be the most difficult, so I'm just as surprised as anyone else that I'm doing so well.
Read for Pleasure and Growth - B
I have been reading quite a bit and I might even write a couple book reviews for this blog. However, I "cheated" by purchasing a couple books for the Kindle app rather than reading the physical book (I was on a long wait list for the library and the Kindle version is cheaper!). I've also found myself perusing useless websites and trolling facebook and twitter when I could be reading. Even though the reading pace has quickened, there is definitely room for improvement.
Hydrate Responsibly - A
I have made about a million attempts to kick my addiction to caffeine and to Diet Coke through the years, so it's pretty exciting that I'm doing so well on this goal. I still have one cup of coffee a day, but that is purely out of necessity. A real grown up just can't start their day without some sort of shot of caffeine. But, the directive from the Whole30 to eliminate all sugar or its many substitutes has made more than that one cup of coffee really unattractive.
Meditate through Movement - D
My plan had been to practice yoga at least three times per week, but it just has not happened. I think that decreasing the caffeine intake so dramatically has made me super, super sleepy. I fall asleep by 9 p.m. most evenings and I really don't have time to get a good yoga session in before work. Doig a pre-work yoga routine would require getting up before 5 a.m. Ain't gonna happen. I'm still going to try to get this going, but, well... Since I can't apologize, it is what it is.
Journal with Gratitude - F
I have not done this. Not once. I want to, I really do, but it's just not happened. I don't even know why. I'll have to think about that one so I can figure out how to trouble shoot it better.
There you have it. The worst report card I have ever had in my entire life. And I'm not even going to apologize for it.
Hopefully yours,
Sara Renee
Do not be hard on yourself. I am making the assumption that you have never lived in Norway - hence you are a "visitor" and a newly arrived one at that. No one would expect a foreigner to pick up all the nuances it would take to make you a native in a few weeks. I think you are doing a marvelous job. Anyone who can get an A in Eating for Peace and Hydrating Responsibly is well on their way to their goal. A tip to try for your "journal with gratitude" - have your artsy daughters design a journal for you. Write down one thing each day that you are thankful for. I believe you are already doing this in your FB posts - I don't think it means you have to come up with a "grateful blog page" each day - just a reminder of how many things you have to be grateful for. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete