Being Found For a Bit
I have been struggling to write. Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I fear that what I have to say is just getting to be, well, too much. Go figure.
"I have no one. I am doing this alone. I can't do anything right. I deserve all of this. Everyone has it better than me. People are pretending to like you. If they liked you, they'd call or invite you over or text or... If only you were prettier or smarter or funnier or less YOU... If only..."
And of course, none of that is actually true...or at least isn't the whole truth... But it has felt like the absolute truth. I have tried ever so valiantly to put on the brave, strong, "happy go lucky" face, but underneath I have been just filled with the worst kind of darkness. This darkness makes me feel like someone other than myself...and that is sort of scary. I have said all along that I didn't want to lose ME in the midst of the awful...and here I am wondering where ME even is.
So, this morning, I made the morning commute feeling despondent because we were later than I'd like to be... again. I hadn't slept well the night before and I was tired. So tired. I felt ugly, unattractive, lumpy, sour, and so very homesick for my old life. I sent my kids out into what felt like a particularly cruel world, said my daily prayer for peace and luck to find them even if it has passed me by, and then made my way to the one place where I can stuff the darkness and dig out the light so that a bunch of little people have a few hours of something good.
And then the work day ends and the fatigue of a workweek and life sets in and the darkness finds me... I look forward into a future that is uncertain and not at all bright. The best i can expect in my life all seems to be lying in the past. Kind of like this view I had on my way home...
I think in metaphors and symbols. When I saw this beautiful glow behind me and the dark, grey clouds before me, I thought, "Isn't that just perfect? Seriously." It also made me think about all those inspiration pinterest quotes that tell you that you can't focus on the past and to refrain from looking in the rear view mirror and here I am with the most beauty I've seen in a long time behind me. Perfect.
After work, my littlest girl and I stopped by the store to buy frozen pizza to make for dinner later in the evening and I felt like a failure for once again feeding my precious babies processed crap. Then we drove through dreary rain showers to pick the big girls up from swim practice. The world was grey and wet and soggy. They clambered into the car with news and requests and bickering and we began our trek down Highway 47. This road, once unfamiliar, has curves and turns that I can almost navigate on autopilot. As we wound our way South we found these views....
Or maybe the views found us. No matter, they happened and we had the fortune to stumble upon them.
The car was filled with ooooohhhhsss and aaaaahhhhs and the soft click of phone cameras as my girls tried to save this beauty for posterity and to share with our people. We knew the pictures would lack some of the wonder and majesty that surrounded us, but we still wanted to try to capture even a smidgen to hold on to just a bit longer.
As I drove and saw a huge arc of a rainbow to my East and a sky just filled with glowing, golden light in the West, I didn't feel lonesome and bitter and unattractive. For a few minutes, I felt like ME. Not the same ME that existed when this all began, but a version of ME that I could sort of, kind of recognize. A ME I actually, kind of liked.
And just like that, hope found me. Hope found me for just a little bit, but just long enough.
"We can do hard things." ~Glennon Doyle Melton
I've contemplated numerous posts that were more upbeat and positive. I've tried to tap into my humor (I'm hilarious, by the way, I swear). I worked to channel hope for inspiration. I pondered blog posts about education. All great ideas, but any inspiration I felt quickly waned as soon as I tried to put my fingertips to the keyboard. The truth is that I wanted to write the truth and the truth has not been cheerful or hopeful or merry or bright. Well, not the truth I wanted to tell, anyhow.
For the past year and a half, I have worked hard to present a specific sort of image to the *public.* (Who knew there even was a *public* in East Central Minnesota?) I have tried to be positive... To be strong... To be kind and empathetic... To say philosophical and deep things... I've done all of these things to convince the world...and maybe even myself...that there was a purpose to all of this, well, crap. I know that's not a particularly artful word, but sometimes you just have to call things what they are...and crap really is just crap.
I guess if I am going to the place of truth and authenticity, I have to admit that the strength and hope and kindness was real. I have had moments of hope. I have felt strong (sometimes). I do believe that goodness exists in all people and can be found in most places most of the time. That is truth. It's even been my truth sometimes.
But... That can all be true. The golden light of hope can be real. The small glimmers of my inner strength can be real. The loving heart I work hard to put "out there" can be genuine. And... I can also have a lot of darkness. And man, the darkness has been winning lately.
I know I've written about the sadness and pain. That's not the darkness I'm talking about. That darkness isn't scary and doesn't make people fear you or dislike you. The worst that comes from that darkness is pity. Pity sucks, but not as much as disdain. The kind of darkness I've been harboring in my heart has been the worst kind of darkness that looks like...
Clicking on the little arrow on Facebook to hide anniversary posts and lovey dovey mushy posts about other's people awesome spouses.
Seeing and hearing evidence of other people having social lives and actually spending real, live face time with friends and hating them for that....real, full on hating.
Storming into someone's office and confronting them with a legitimate concern but doing so in an ugly, ugly way and spewing my darkness all over their desk.
Feeling resentment when anyone makes any request of me. Can't they see my pain? Can't they see my struggle? Can't they see that all of this makes me special and exempt from special requests?
Attending a wedding and wishing I could be anywhere other than a celebration of optimism and hope about love.
Scrolling past evidence of other people having lives and careers and marriages that are far more successful than mine...and hating them for it. And hating myself for hating them for it. And then hating them for making me hate myself for hating them....and so on and so on....This darkness is disguised in other words and emotions such as envy, resentment, bitterness, pessimism... All the perfect ingredients for pure awfulness and rudeness and meanness. And all of this resides within me and through me and sometimes it makes the golden light of hope dull and distant and tarnished. And when that happens... When my glasses take on the dark, murky, foggy haze of discontent and hopelessness, the world seems unfriendly. It makes me think things like...
"I have no one. I am doing this alone. I can't do anything right. I deserve all of this. Everyone has it better than me. People are pretending to like you. If they liked you, they'd call or invite you over or text or... If only you were prettier or smarter or funnier or less YOU... If only..."
And of course, none of that is actually true...or at least isn't the whole truth... But it has felt like the absolute truth. I have tried ever so valiantly to put on the brave, strong, "happy go lucky" face, but underneath I have been just filled with the worst kind of darkness. This darkness makes me feel like someone other than myself...and that is sort of scary. I have said all along that I didn't want to lose ME in the midst of the awful...and here I am wondering where ME even is.
So, this morning, I made the morning commute feeling despondent because we were later than I'd like to be... again. I hadn't slept well the night before and I was tired. So tired. I felt ugly, unattractive, lumpy, sour, and so very homesick for my old life. I sent my kids out into what felt like a particularly cruel world, said my daily prayer for peace and luck to find them even if it has passed me by, and then made my way to the one place where I can stuff the darkness and dig out the light so that a bunch of little people have a few hours of something good.
And then the work day ends and the fatigue of a workweek and life sets in and the darkness finds me... I look forward into a future that is uncertain and not at all bright. The best i can expect in my life all seems to be lying in the past. Kind of like this view I had on my way home...
I think in metaphors and symbols. When I saw this beautiful glow behind me and the dark, grey clouds before me, I thought, "Isn't that just perfect? Seriously." It also made me think about all those inspiration pinterest quotes that tell you that you can't focus on the past and to refrain from looking in the rear view mirror and here I am with the most beauty I've seen in a long time behind me. Perfect.
After work, my littlest girl and I stopped by the store to buy frozen pizza to make for dinner later in the evening and I felt like a failure for once again feeding my precious babies processed crap. Then we drove through dreary rain showers to pick the big girls up from swim practice. The world was grey and wet and soggy. They clambered into the car with news and requests and bickering and we began our trek down Highway 47. This road, once unfamiliar, has curves and turns that I can almost navigate on autopilot. As we wound our way South we found these views....
Or maybe the views found us. No matter, they happened and we had the fortune to stumble upon them.
The car was filled with ooooohhhhsss and aaaaahhhhs and the soft click of phone cameras as my girls tried to save this beauty for posterity and to share with our people. We knew the pictures would lack some of the wonder and majesty that surrounded us, but we still wanted to try to capture even a smidgen to hold on to just a bit longer.
As I drove and saw a huge arc of a rainbow to my East and a sky just filled with glowing, golden light in the West, I didn't feel lonesome and bitter and unattractive. For a few minutes, I felt like ME. Not the same ME that existed when this all began, but a version of ME that I could sort of, kind of recognize. A ME I actually, kind of liked.
And just like that, hope found me. Hope found me for just a little bit, but just long enough.
"We can do hard things." ~Glennon Doyle Melton
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